Under the blue September sky

On September 30, 2021May 9, 2022 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn blogging, goals, life, mental health, nature, social media29 Comments

What does your world look like today?

Is it bright and sunny, real nice end of September day or nothing good to talk about?

We cannot choose the weather, unfortunately, if we must stay where we are, live in a place which we might not even prefer, but that’s the reality: all doors are open, but not everyone of them takes us to a place we want to be.

Did you wake up in a hopeful mood and the day kept its promises?

Good things sometimes happen when we don’t expect them, too, as if out of nowhere. However, it’s the combination of all elements which has worked out in our favor whether we knew about that or not. The bigger success we expect, the more upsetting might be the disappointment.

Does that mean we don’t strive for more, don’t try achieving more and reaching for higher goals? We always do attempt to succeed in something currently out of reach, we should at least. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Until we experience tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, wildfires, volcano eruptions and other nature disasters, we might say that every weather nature throws at us is a blessing. That’s changing now, and we might wonder how bad it is going to get? Thankfully, the area I live has been spared from nature’ s anger.

September was a very beautiful month in Ontario where I live. The simple pleasures are readily available for everybody, we just need to set aside a moment for these experiences. The sky is so transparent today, no wind, bees still work in blooms, and there’s almost overwhelming beauty of the late fall flowers. It’s a good moment to be in.

When you have gone through millions of small disappointments, tiny and big accidents, betrayal, losses and some calmer periods of life, it feels there’s nothing that can surprise one any longer. I’ve been sticking to my principles of honesty, truth and generosity for many decades. They get tested, too, these old-fashioned principles and morals. Competition is a normal way of existence now with any means being justified. It’s not enough to know, be able and have experience, you have to prove your self-worth and value of your skills every day from new. Every single day it’s some kind of competition, feeling of being pushed and rushed. If you do not post anything on social media or website, people forget you, forget who you are, what you do and so forth.

For how long am I supposed to be competing for the social media attention?

There is nothing stable in the universe of public opinion. I noticed that blog reading is down, too. The number of views goes up, but the actual interaction is down. Shorter attention span? Sure. The amount of information avalanching over the viewers head is also remarkably larger. While I love creating art, sewing, designing new outfits and other items, gardening, nature and its mystic ways, I’m not huge about throwing this into everybody’s face: look what I have! Nevertheless, I must do just that if I ever want to have more students in my art classes or sell my art.

Early fall for dreamers? Definitely.

September calm might be ending soon, in a few weeks or so. It’s a good time to regroup, recharge, put in vegetable preserves, take a short walk, collect new colorful leaves for the next nature-painted projects. The calm before the storm or maybe just time to think about what’s ahead, to dream a bit about things unfolding my way and according to my plans. The path, however, was created a long time ago. The ripples in the universal interaction ocean cause situations which we are living in now, at this moment. We have created our today as it is together with other people, nature, universe and our actions or inactivity, with our features and our thoughts.

I hope your day is as good as you expected it to be!

Stay in touch and thanks for reading!

The waiting game

On May 17, 2021July 10, 2021 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn goals, happiness, life, nature, nature photography33 Comments

Expectations

Real life, unlike virtual displays of it, frequently requires waiting. Waiting for something or looking forward to it, takes time which can be considerable. If you have been around for many decades, you already know that the period of expectations can turn out to be more pleasurable and more amazing than the event or occasion itself. The wonderful thrills of expectations and the anticipation of whatever you desire can be illusive and lead one to disappointment. That is when we overvalue the potential result or our role in it. We frequently do just that.

Patience

I believe patience is a virtue, and in times like right now when waiting is inevitable and it lasts for extremely long period, patience and understanding that some things cannot be rushed, makes life easier if you are used to wait for something and if you have acquired, learned along the way or simply got naturally the ability to be patient. You won’t go mad, get frustrated, angry, upset and depressed because you have to wait. Wait in line for vaccine, wait to book a vaccination appointment, wait to meet your relatives and friends, wait for normalcy to return.

Protesting

Nobody gives us back the time we have wasted. Protesting lockdowns, closures, vaccines, masks and stay-at-home orders is pretty much wasted efforts and time. The reality has shown that the best way to avoid any troubles is not being around anybody else. That’s the worst part of airborne respiratory viruses: they are everywhere where there is air, and as humans we cannot stop inhaling air or exist without it. We’ve been in lockdown in Ontario for a very long time, we still are. I read somewhere, it’s the longest lockdown among the developed countries. I noticed, however, that people are taking this fairly lightly. It is spring finally here, as well, the second warm week is happening, it’s 18-23 Celsius, and this warmth feels excellent compared to what it was just a while ago. So, people have visitors, no masks obviously, there’s partying, too.

The blooming

Once the gates are open, we are flooded with waves of blooming. Almost all trees and spring flowers are in bloom. They, too, have waited impatiently when the weather will turn mild and allow them to come up with their beauty. I don’t think there can be anything more relaxing and enjoyable than quietly watching a garden or trees. For my Angel’s day, lilac is always in bloom. I’m not sure how that can happen, but it does, year after year. Birds are busy, their shadows shoot across the lawn and their voices make one listen in awe how the nature beats it all. If you ask me, that’s the best party ever. Everybody is invited, no preparations required. This time I’m sharing pictures of my giant tulips.

Lesson

We sleep away and spend in waiting big part of our life. Unfortunately, there isn’t a chance avoiding that. Waiting might drive somebody crazy and angry, but the truth is we have probably learned something during the last one and a half years. If we haven’t, then we are failing to manage the biggest challenge the globe is currently facing. The other interesting aspect of the global pandemic is that every single person is involved. The outcome is the sum of collective human actions, inactivity and reactions. It makes one also wonder how greed and wars never stop.

Whatever your personal situation, I hope you are in the driver’s seat. More than ever, one needs to be in charge of their own life and their own decisions. Enjoy the blooming and thanks for reading!

Learning life school lessons and recognizing signs

On January 6, 2019 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn faith, goals, health, life, success22 Comments

How long are we supposed to learn what life is and what we are? The answer is: as long as we live.

Life is fair

We frequently hear that life is not fair, that either God or universe has punished somebody. That is probably the first wrong assumption we have to forget about. Instead, we should try to understand that life is fair, universe treats as fair and God never punishes anybody. “But how so? Everything is wrong and nothing good ever happens, and people are so sick and unhappy,” you may say.

The smart subconscious mind

The truth is that we do not have the courage to become responsible for what we do, don’t do, what we think and what we say. Humans are so special because they have not only the conscious mind, but also subconscious mind. Are we aware of the fact that we subconsciously know everything, can change many things and can see our future and what we should do in order to live and feel better?

We used to have access to our subconscious mind when the human race was young, but small children and animals still do have it. As we became more and more civilized we grew a thick layer of pollution on top of our hidden and subconscious mind. The real life gets in the way: everything we were taught at school, everything we faced in our life, all TV, internet and social media news, anything we see, hear and experience cause us to lose the access to our hidden resources and the universal database where the knowledge and facts of the entire universe are stored.

Recognizing the cause

The question is: how do we help ourselves getting out of bad situations, crises, health issues, financial problems, relationship complications and many other unpleasant things?

First of all, we have to admit that the cause of anything in our life is rooted in us. Whether we like it or not, we are the source of good and bad things in our life. As soon as we manage to switch to a new approach, the universe is going to send different things our way. The fairness of universe’s response equals to our internal settings towards our personal reality. The sooner we stop blaming life, God or destiny, relatives, friends, competition or enemies for our problems, the better. The only person who is responsible for the way one’s life goes is that person oneself. They might not acknowledge or they might not realize it, but not knowing that something exists does not make it non-existent.

We are here to learn

For instance, every bad and nasty person in our life is to teach us something and make us understand something. That is still a distant learning, like a reminder, sometimes like a warning. If you refuse to understand the lesson, but get offended and angry instead, there will be more lessons. If you feel like a victim in this life, that’s pretty much what you get from the universe and God because they will try to please you by sending you more and more situations which correspond to your internal expectations.

If you feel threatened by situations and people and if you are scared most of the time that something bad might happen, you should be aware that is what the universe is going to give to match you with the real you.

How to live and feel better

In order to get better results and to resolve problematic situations, we need to become more observant and attentive. We need to change our attitude.

We usually receive directions and signs which should help us to either avoid bad situation or to pursue something great. That might be something somebody says you, something you suddenly notice, read or see in a dream.

An example: you are trying really hard to start a business or new company and there are plain obstacles. All things go against you. You cannot get a loan, papers do not get accepted, your lawyer does not show up at the most crucial moment, supplies do not arrive in time and so on. These are signs. They tell you that you’d be probably better off without the company or business. What about your subconscious mind? It might be so that you are starting the company in spite of something, just to prove something or simply because you have assumed you are a business person, but deep down you do not even want to do it and you doubt whether it makes sense to create the company, or you don’t have any skills and are scared about that. Therefore, the universe responds the way your subconscious mind suggests.

Another example: you have a date. You decide to have coffee just before leaving the house. Accidentally, the coffee spills all over your new outfit, it’s damaged beyond repair, or the car would not start, or no cab is available, or you cannot find the place. Universe, as smart as it is, might be seeing that this date does not fit you, and he or she will cause you pain and put you in a dangerous situation. It can be so that your subconscious mind which knows the future wants to prevent you from trouble. You might be even not sure that you want to date at this time since you doubt any good outcome. No need to get angry or frustrated. It is a sign and warning which you have to pay attention to. And so on.

How do we proceed with changing what we can?

We take responsibility for our actions, thoughts and words.

We start respecting and loving ourselves, we take a good care about ourselves.

We stop blaming anything and anybody, but look for things we did to cause the current situation.

We exclude feelings of guilt and fault from our life; that helps nobody, but destroys a person from inside. We forget about being envious and jealous, we stop whining and complaining; briefly: we start to look at solutions and we will find them.

We realize that the universe is fair, huge, unlimited and very smart. There is no such a thing as punishment unless you punish yourself.

We understand how resourceful and creative we are.

We start fresh with good intentions.

That is what I would wish everybody in the New Year.

Did you know WordPress can block you from following?

On April 16, 2018June 15, 2020 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn blogging, confidence, goals, life, success, writing58 Comments

I have been blogging since 2011, that was when I started my art blog First post of art blog.

I experienced some kind of disaster when I decided to move my art blog to a website last year or maybe a year before. Why did I go for all troubles which are associated with moving a large numerous pictures containing art blog to a self-hosted website?

Well, WordPress makes it account. It does not matter whether you have 1 blog, 2 blogs, 3 blogs or a website and blog: it is going to be one account. I had the art blog since 2012 and I started a lifeschool blog some time in 2014 I believe. I did not want to mix up my art, art classes and other artistic articles with the conclusions and observations I have made doing my medical research and writing for more than 3 decades. I thought it was a great idea. It actually wasn’t. Why?

Because WordPress makes it one account.

That means one blog is primary and visible and regardless of all my efforts, nobody knew the other blog existed, as well. The art blog had about 4 thousand followers by the time I moved it to a website because I was so tired of publishing articles which nobody ever saw.

The move was terrible since my files were huge, and, no, it did not go smooth as some instructions made me believe. Partially, that was because I chose the wrong host (based on a blogger advice, oh yes!). They sold me free theme and then I had to wait until refund rolls in since I wasn’t having much money. They tried to sell all kinds of things which I did not need or require, but having a website is expensive anyway: there are so many small parts that all cost. I am using the free theme and many free plugins, but I still have to allocate quite a lot of money for it. That is the history, so I have a blog, my lifeschool blog and my website, my art website.

Some time ago, I started to notice that I cannot follow anybody. I clicked once, I clicked twice, I clicked on like, that worked, but when I returned to the main website of somebody, I could see that I am not following them.

I believed it was some kind of a glitch. Probably temporary glitch, I assumed.

I let it slide since I was busy and that wasn’t the most important issue on my plate.

I found some really interesting website and a few blogs a while ago, and I got really angry that I cannot follow them. I copied the URLs here and there to find them again. Anyway, I asked the “happiness engineers” what was wrong. Oh well! I found out that I have been spotted by the system as somebody abusive follower last October. They told I was trying to attract attention and instead I should be writing a good content. That was very offensive. I believe these people who have read my stories, poems and articles, people, who check out my paintings, art instruction and advice for beginner artists definitely know that this is a unique content which takes me long time to create. I have actually never tried to follow somebody obsessively.

We all know that: system is system. System thought I was somebody trying to find followers and, thus, boost the visibility of my website and blog, and I do not believe that is true. WP said it was. I had last October followed many blogs in a short period of time. I tried to figure that out but couldn’t. I may have returned from Europe and after not seeing my blog and website for a long time, I could have responded to lots of comments and maybe followed some new fellow bloggers. I don’t know. Basically, nobody ever told me that. I never received any notification, any warning or anything. I believe you are not aware of that either.

I mean, I would have appreciated some notice, some suggestion or something. I am guessing that happened because I’m not that often reading the Reader, publishing posts, commenting, etc. since my health issues started 5 years ago. I might be doing all the commenting, following and liking job once or twice a month. Life is life. System isn’t human and it does not know that I have 1 hour only once or twice a month to do the following among other parts of blogging. Most likely, that’s how I got blocked out of following. Well, if I were so obsessed with following I most likely had noticed that sooner, not 7 months later.

I still remember how 6 years ago when I started blogging, I was advised to like, comment and follow other bloggers. Well, I take it personal and I felt upset. I’m not a new blogger; I’ve been on WordPress for 6 years. I am almost 60 and somebody who always follows rules and meets obligations. Always. I am aware that system is not informed about that.

I have to apologize to bloggers who may have thought I was ignorant or something. I lost some interesting blogs due to this for sure. Maybe we will meet again.

It also seems that system cannot get rid of definitely fake followers such as those who are ….outlook.com. I have deleted quite a few recently.

I wish, there was some advice for those who blog infrequently, just for a few hours a month and who try to do everything during these few hours instead of just blocking them out of following.

It does not feel right. We are sort of made to believe that website is a place where we can have a freedom to do things which we deem necessary, one of them being following other bloggers. Apparently, it is not the case. I believe before blocking somebody out of anything, especially if they pay money for their website that happens to be on WordPress platform, one deserves at least some warning or message, whatever. My personal situation is worse because I have a website and a blog. People who follow the art blog are not the same as these who follow the lifeschool blog. So, number becomes double. Dear system, you should be way more human! Other bloggers: be aware! System is watching, and God help if you follow too many people! I am afraid to follow anybody, to be honest. I believe a wrong person was punished here. They fixed it for now. They do not let one know what number indicates you are exceeding the normal following range: might be 5, 50 or 100. Who knows? I know that I never acted weirdly or obsessively.

Link to my art website for these who did not know I had it: inesepogagallery.com

Becoming an observer

On April 6, 2018April 6, 2018 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn goals, life, lifestyle, mindfulness, seasonal affective disorder, writing19 Comments

It sometimes feels as if everything is simply flowing by.

There are lots of small distractive things to deal with, and they pretty much keep me away from doing something more meaningful.

Then, there is a feeling of pointlessness.

At a young age we are under impression that we have enough time to do whatever we will choose, to achieve whatever we have decided to and to engage in all kinds of undertakings that eventually lead us to the goal: a good, honest, happy and abundant life. This includes different things for different people. Some want children and some do not, some love studying and some would rather not, some of us see the importance of roots and family and some believe that family is holding them back.

When I was twenty, it felt like 60 years is eternity away: it seemed I have plenty of time to enjoy, to explore, to pursue real life goals and to correct mistakes which everybody makes.

My life involves much unexpected turns, very bad accident that changed everything 25 years ago and after that all a completely unexpected relocation across the ocean. I might not been ready for that. However, I am somebody who goes for an adventure or opportunity if there is one.

Years between 2004 and 2010 were wonderful, so full with life, so full with discoveries. I had huge expectations.

When I got health issues in 2013, lots of things slowed down and became hard to continue. I realized suddenly that nobody can ever regain the energy and the willingness to jump onto new beginnings we do so naturally at 20 when we pass the 50 line. That was the time when I had to push myself extremely hard to accomplish just simple everyday routine tasks, yet, I managed that.

I have become more an observer than an active participant.

I have always been a creator of situations, much engaged in the social scene. I was a high school teacher and college lecturer meeting literally hundreds of people every day. I loved my role as a smart, intelligent and well-educated person.

The one thing that matters to me is learning, studying and keeping the brain extremely busy and active.

I have always admired the brain power, the ability to think and find solutions, to make decisions and to act upon them. I do that still, I learn every single day. The medical writing job requires that. I am certainly thankful for the huge knowledge in any health-related matters due to this.

However, I miss the social engagement. I feel lost. Once you see that nobody actually needs you, you start to experience feelings of being abandoned. It seems that the big goals are also getting crashed. I have become a stranger in my native country and I am still a total stranger in the country to which I immigrated to.

This might be an issue of acceptance. I am quite frequently unable to accept some things here. I will never understand how mediocrity gets to the top because of their wealth. I will never understand how it is possible to idolize and adore some fancy person to the extent that people want to dress like that person and look and speak like that person.

I will never understand over-consumption which is the cause of most of our issues. I will never understand how people are lied to and cheated because of somebody making bigger profits. They get even praise for poisoning other people. That is awkward.

I am for fairness, truth and open-mindedness. Truth is not loved. Truth is frequently escaped using different means, would these be drugs, alcohol or convincing oneself that everything is great while it is far from that in reality.

I used to be a fashionista. I learned sewing very early: at 12. Ever since, I have designed and sewn plenty of designer-quality outfits not only for me, but for hundreds of other people, as well. I stopped doing that also because of pointlessness. How much does one really need? When I paint, I cannot wear anything good because it will have paint spots all over anyway. Fast fashion made it impossible to buy any good quality shoes or jeans or similar things. I just simply refuse to buy more low quality, made in China outfits. They are made of bad materials, they do not last and they do not fit either.

One more aspect became meaningless. So, most of them have.

It is more difficult to stick to the true you when there is no actual demand for being the top you. I am currently an observer. I will wait for a while yet until the troubles settle down to figure out the next steps. Where do I go from there? I don’t know yet. It is a process of re-inventing me. Will that be a better me? I do not know that either.

I do realize that these feelings might be caused by late and delayed spring. It has been a very long winter, and that can affect anybody with the seasonal affective disorder. I remember me hating winter ever since I was a tiny kid. That never went away. I cannot live normally in winter. I have lost many years of life due to winter. I believe these of you who also experience strong seasonal affective disorder know this very well: one only regains energy and willingness to be active once the weather turns warm and sunny again.

Stop and smell the roses

On September 25, 2017May 9, 2022 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn challenge, flower photography, goals, health, life, lifestyle, mindfulness16 Comments

Yes, stop and smell the roses and other flowers.

When was the last time you decided to do so?

Just yesterday? Today? Congratulations. It’s not true that you don’t have time for that. Believe or not, there is time enough for anything: even with long commute (which is most often our choice), even with small kids and no grandparents or nannies, even when studying or being a workaholic.

Having no time is a habit and lack of focus. Having no time for smelling flowers and recharging is a bad habit.

Are you saying: yah, right? I would like to repeat that it is a bad habit and it comes from chaotic and scattered attention management, or rather, attention non-management.

Being and feeling rushed with everything causes nervousness, unplanned actions and loss of time. We have to pretty much stick with our daily routine, and that means: if you can spend just 1 hour in front of TV, do not make it 4 hours at the expense of your sleep, or if it’s responding to an e-mail, we cannot make it scrolling through all Instagram or Facebook feeds and new posts. We have to stay on the path.

We don’t do that always, do we?

I am convinced that we are experiencing a chronic feeling of always lacking time. Realistically, we should have more time because there is so much help with housework, shopping and lots of other daily chores; there is automation and so many devices are replacing manual work.

Where does the time disappear?

It evaporates with unexpected, unplanned and also forgotten things. There are so many distractions with anything we just were about to start doing. Time over-consumption is also caused by unreliable and chaotic people who we have to be in touch with. Therefore, I am very convinced that it makes a lot of sense not to deal with people who never have time: either for you, for responding to you or for anything in their life; who cancel things because they never intended to do something in the first place, who are always late, who love talking too much or texting too much, or who do not even listen to what you are saying.

Having time for stopping and smelling roses eventually comes down to discipline. First of all: that is self-discipline. It’s not the case that we are always perfect and we never get lost in our good intentions. No human is 100% perfect, and life is never perfect. So, whether we have time for ourselves and whether we can make it for smelling flowers also requires some flexibility in executing our daily tasks, even small ones, and it requires so much more flexibility in tackling the big ones.

Late autumn, but everything in full bloom

Gentle, delicate, beautiful

When my daughter was just 8 months old, her father passed away. So, I was alone. I got German language teaching job at a countryside school because they provided with a free apartment. However, the free apartment had absolutely no conveniences. I needed wood for heating the stove on which I had to cook and also the heating oven in the other room. I had to take to a high second floor every bucket of water and afterwards I had to take it out. We didn’t have easy to use diapers or formulas these times yet, therefore, I had to manually wash everything since I did not have a laundry machine and I had to cook for daughter something she could consume, which was liquid porridge type of thing most often. There was no heating, so every time when I needed to warm up her food I had to get stove going.

My teaching job was full-time. That happened in the ancient soviet times, so, we didn’t have any nannies. There was no free spot in the kindergarten either if somebody would take such a small kid. I took my daughter to classroom which wasn’t far away, but just in another building. The school principal didn’t mind because they really needed a German language teacher. My daughter was either sitting or sleeping between students. She actually started to speak in full sentences extremely early and she also started to walk just at nine month.

My biggest problem was getting the wood: they showed me large logs which I was allowed to use, and before I could utilize them for heating, I had to split these large logs. I had seen my dad splitting wood, and it looked quite easy. I borrowed a huge axe and got to splitting. That was really tough, especially until I grasped how one tries to hit the right spot on the log. Next thing was to get that wood to the second floor storage. I decided to organize a help team from anybody who was around, and I was very lucky that some older teens and a few other teachers assisted in taking the wood to the second floor.

Salaries were miserably small, I mean, really small. I was doing sewing for people who wanted some outfit. After daily lessons I gave at school, I was sewing wedding dresses, suits, jackets, skirts, dresses, blouses, you name it. Some people offered produce and products instead of money. Well, I didn’t refuse.

I was in the fourth year at the University; I studied foreign languages at that time. Later at night I was preparing my test works, research works, etc. It was a lot of work for one person, however, I managed to read books, go to concerts or dancing to a local club whenever there was something on, too.

I have been thinking a lot: how did I manage to get this done? Practically on my own: full-time job, studying at University, small kid, home chores: wood, water, laundry, cleaning; sewing to make some additional money? People quite frequently don’t have to do even half of that and they are saying there is no time for anything.

The answer is extremely simple: I did not have a TV. Internet wasn’t invented yet. I didn’t have any phone. Nobody was dreaming about something we call smart phone now. I mean, there were practically zero distractions.

It’s impossible to avoid from all distractions with everything going on at once nowadays, however, there is a line which we can draw. We also learn how to say “No”. We sort out priorities and start with the most difficult mandatory tasks, then we move to easier things, and then we enjoy the time we have saved. It shouldn’t be at the expense of sleep, definitely not.

So, we are now free to go and smell and enjoy flowers.

The inappreciative patient and my lost summer pleasures

On July 18, 2016 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn desperation, goals, health, health struggles, lifestyle, willpower68 Comments

I have mixed feelings towards people who are too positive, too optimistic and expect too much when there is no good reason to do so. It is twice as bad if your doctor sees things for not what they are, but assumes them way better than the real condition shows.

This is my stormy summer

The surgery itself went quite smoothly. We cannot escape unpleasant feelings and sensations with lots of cutting. However, I was very shocked when they quickly dressed the huge wound and told: ok, let’s go. I wasn’t really able to walk because one part of incision was fairly close to the ankle while the other which did not cause that much discomfort was under the knee. This leg has grafted skin since 1992, so this type of skin is unable to hold sutures. The doctor told there was no need also to apply something else. He proudly announced we would expect this to heal quickly by second intention which simply means: wound that is extensive and involves considerable tissue loss, and in which the edges cannot be brought together, heals naturally from the inside out. I certainly was concerned when they told me to walk right away, but my head was very foggy, and so we drove home.

I was wearing loose long pants, so only when I fall in the bed and lifted up the fabric, I noticed blood spots. They became larger and more and more intense until I had to cover this up with a few more layers of gauze. The blood was literally streaming through the gauze. I called the doctor’s office. They told to send a picture. It’s needless to say, my exhaustion was insane and pain was increasingly stronger, so it took me big efforts to send a picture over the phone, sounds funny, but it was like that. Well, they said: I had to go to emergency. Emergency was quite surprised how they had let me go, but after some 3-4 hours they were able to fix the issue and stop bleeding.

I am always careful with medications I am prescribed or signs and symptoms which occur. The pain was just stronger and stronger. The ankle area was totally swollen. I had fever, too, and that was pretty much an indication of infection. All surgeries have 2 main complications: bleeding and infection. It looked I was getting both. If my head was clear and I had my normal brain sharpness, I most likely had noticed what antibiotic I was prescribed. I did not pay attention; I just took a pill from the small container and watched the clock not to miss some dose. On the next day, I was fairly sure, things are not right. I have had so many surgeries in the past that I am able to feel when something is getting out of control. Some so-called home care doctors came; they took vitals and had a look at the dressing. I had to go to emergency again. The doctor who checked the wound at emergency seemed to be really in shock. It’s infected, he stated. Well, I knew it already, but nevertheless, when I looked at the wound myself, I almost fainted. Necrotic spots were visible; the look was so terrible that I started hysterically crying. The part that hurt me most was: so much of viable tissue was lost. I needed it, I needed it so badly in order to heal!

Thankfully, they had sent a wound swab to the lab. Meanwhile, I was given i/v and attached to an i/v antibiotic infusion pump. It’s a fairly uncomfortable thing, if you are not familiar with it. They had initially attached it to the vein in my right arm, straight below the elbow, so for a few days I couldn’t use my right arm. This pump stays with you for 5-7 days, so one is very limited in mobility because the long infusion line gets caught everywhere and sleeping with it is scary.

On Monday I received a call that I have to return to emergency immediately. Why? That was the third time within 5 days. The antibiotic I was receiving was not able to handle the nasty microorganisms, they didn’t give anything about this particular drug, there was a complete resistance.

3-4 more hours at emergency, and finally I was given another i/v, another antibiotic which supposedly would be working. Therefore, I had lost more than 4 days, and for type I diabetic with extensive surgical site infection, that is like eternity. 3 more days with my friend infusion pump. This time I knew how that feels to have this pump attached day and night to the vein, so I got the line inserted in the left arm, on the outside and not directly under the elbow. If only my head had been clear enough to follow-up on these antibiotics which I was given! I had told the doctor: cephalosporins DO NOT work. The previous doctor had already found out that. I really regret there does not exist a unified online database with patient records so that any treating physician could see sensitivities, intolerances and resistances right away, BEFORE MAKING SUCH TERRIBLE MISTAKES, before causing conditions which are absolutely preventable. Nevertheless, he had prescribed exactly cephalosporin. Did he think I had no idea what I was talking about? His ignorance caused me abnormal troubles, pain and resulted in severe complications. It’s hard to understand, but it seems every doctor in Ontario prescribes cephalosporins as a first choice medication, and most likely that is causing the resistance. They are overprescribed and over-applied.

The doctor? He told everything was fine even when I sent the black and blue necrotic and infected wound pictures. Is that even possible that somebody can be so wrong with the evaluation? Does this somebody have zero experience? Is he so sloppy and negligent that he does not want to admit things went so wrong because of lack of ANY PREVENTIVE MEASURES? It looked bad and shocking, and it was clear the healing will take much more time. Not to mention the stress, anxiety, worries, frustration and despair.

Meanwhile everything is blooming outdoors

I do regret I did not try harder to raise funds for having this surgery done in Latvia. I had never such a bad experience before, and quite honestly, I would not have survived the injuries back then if treatments were like this one. It makes me feel as if patient does not matter. It all comes down to money eventually. The doctor said if he was even ok with me staying at a hospital, they did not have enough beds for such “easy” (?!?) surgeries.

The only thing I still hope for is: this has a good end. This wound heals without any other complications.

Summer goes on with colors and heat

Meanwhile, my lovely summer disappears with a speed of light. I love the crisp mornings after rain, I love the exhausting heat and sipping cold lemon water in my backyard. I love watching my flowers and vegetables blooming and exploding in beauty. I love the saturated colors of ripening vegetables, and I miss the garden work so much! The last good year for me was 2013. That was the year of my daughter’s second wedding, the year of traveling and pleasure. My biggest goal is now getting this finally fixed and forgetting everything that happened this summer like a bad dream. I haven’t painted for a fairly long time. I feel so exhausted, so drained and so helpless at the moment. When I’m seeing quotes and wise advises on what’s life, what’s success and what’s happiness and similar intellectual pearls, that makes me laugh and cry at the same time: just stop pretending you are not aware how things do not depend on you. Living in the moment is fine, as long as this moment is tolerable for you. Nobody asks or ever will ask you whether you are ok with pain or struggles that are inevitable. Everything has a very logical cause and a very logical effect. I am mobilizing all my internal energy and strength at the moment to overcome the side effects and to bring the wound to a good healing stage. Well, it’s already looking better.

Catalpa tree has made beans already while I was sleeping inside

Detachment from reality: when lies become the “alter ego”

On February 11, 2016April 3, 2016 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn addictions, goals, happiness, lifestyle, obsession, self-admiration20 Comments

Detachment from reality: when lies become the “alter ego”

Internet sometimes gets me. I’m having nausea after looking at Facebook stuff for longer than 5 minutes.

The understanding of being honest is so much distorted that I’m quite happy I could grow up without any internet. Without a need to constantly compare myself to others. Without a need to watch and analyze the reactions of others or lack of them. It feels totally absurd to me when I am seeing how much time is spent on self-analysis and self-observations. Some people analyze every single step and every single thought they had during the day, but it does not stop there. They analyze the social media reaction to every line and picture they have posted, and it is not surprising they come to conclusion there is something wrong with them quite frequently. Everybody would be convinced about the same if they kept endlessly analyzing everything and drawing conclusions which actually do not have any reason.

Does this relate to the obsession with selfies? The obsession of creating oneself in a way one doesn’t exist and would like to be perceived? The Internet certainly allows for that: one can create their online image and live with it until there comes along somebody who discovers they are not what they are pretending to be. I believe selfies and self-love; self-admiration; self-magnification and self-analysis are symptoms of the self-glorification epidemic. These are sprouts of the same root. How is it even possible one has so much time to take endless selfies, edit them, publish them, then follow-up on every single comment? Or just post in bunches whenever there is a chance to take out the phone. Afterwards, they quite often feel totally dissatisfied, disappointed and unhappy since there are so many others doing exactly the same and steeling their deserved love and admiration.

This is so phenomenally silly that it is fairly hard to get why anybody would want this to happen. Why would we want somebody else to define who we are, how we are, and sometimes even deal with awful misconceptions? What is the point to rely on somebody else’s judgement who most often does not even know you?

Whenever I’m reading about somebody’s struggles, I have to admit our struggles and sufferings are really suited to the greatness or nothingness of our personal perception. It is obvious that difficult and intolerable has hundreds of interpretations. Once I heard some famous girl telling on TV that it was such a disaster for her to choose the correct nail polish. One rich and famous person told she was facing extreme difficulties and hardships choosing outfits, it took like hours to choose a dress. Wouldn’t that be excellent if the most difficult thing I have to deal with was choosing an outfit?

What really strikes is that most people assume life is supposed to be smooth as an ice-cream in a cone.

That is the wrong message from social media. Things don’t change just because we call them differently. Cabbage does not become a rose if we call it “rose”. Some pictures so obviously scream “Like me, like me, like me!” Do I? Not really, and I do not post any likes under pictures if I think the look is rather bad than good. I usually avoid commenting on family pictures or other personal photos.

I was also reading how somebody thought they were ready now to fall in love, so this should have been happening shortly afterwards. They were very disappointed when it didn’t. It seems nobody told them it is by far not enough to write on the wall: I am lovable; I deserve love; I am beautiful, so on. Love is the most complex chemistry and it has so many ways of expressing itself. It never comes when we are asking it to. It’s more unpredictable than winning a lottery. The winner is rare and the time when this happens is unknown. Just like all good things in life. It is too bad there is so much fake stuff out there.

Addiction to social media and devices causes extreme detachment from reality and distorted evaluation of actual matters. Overrated and overpraised nothingness means nothing, as well. I’d say be careful with compliments. Be realistic towards yourself. We are so different, because our DNA is unique, our life, love and happiness are unique. Do not allow anybody to tell you who you are, what you should like, love or go for.

New Year: setting steps and path to better ourselves

On December 31, 2015April 1, 2022 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn challenge, goals, happiness, lifestyle, New Year's Resolutions, positive thinking2 Comments

Who am I in the school of life? A life-long student, an observer, an explorer, and a teacher. The main thing is: we should never say “I know it all”. We do not, and it is unlikely, we ever will.

My personal experience is that too much talking is useless and leads to misunderstandings, disputes which solve nothing but cause reactions which would not happen otherwise. I also think that talking and discussions should be kept to minimum as opposed to simply getting things done. It is a point of view of and Eastern European. I was watching some movies back then in 70-s, and there were some serials which most often involved: Do you want to talk about this?” These series showed that these particular people could avoid so many misunderstandings if they only would not talk so much. If they simply had been acting as they had intended to. Well, many counselling and advisory services want us to do exactly that: talk about things. I realize that there are people who need to talk out their problems. I am somebody who has to act in order to solve something.

A typical person with western upbringing makes plans, drawings, sketches, explores all possible materials, any possible tools and any ways to get some particular item done, and this involves endless discussions either on the phone or in person. A typical person with eastern upbringing gets right away to make that particular thing they need. They have a necessity for that item and a plan in their head, they have some experience and they most often use whatever is available without special tools and without special exploration. If there is something I will desperately need to get by, I can get it any time. The result is usually equally good. It is just so that my direct approach saves time and misunderstandings. It saves discussions and arguments. I have also seen how people, who want to be prepared for everything, get done nothing. Therefore, I would say: just get to it whatever it is you have decided to accomplish. Life always makes its corrections. It always does, whether that is a house you are building or a relationship you are fixing. We certainly need a general plan which outlines steps we are about to make in order to get wherever we want. However, steps and path are what we have to be aware of at first. Pointing out steps and becoming knowledgeable about clear path which leads us to the result is actually more important than the distant and huge goal itself.

It is also so that the brain can easily identify such steps and alert us by giving certain signals if we are about to lose our path and to get lost.

Here is an example: resolution I will be healthy and eat healthy realistically means nothing in the point of view of the brain. It will say: so what? Be. Resolution: I will discontinue any soft drink usage either at home or eating out indicates path how to get rid at least of some unwanted chemicals and sugars.

Resolution: I will lose weight means absolutely nothing for the brain. Resolution: I will take 30 minutes long walk every night between 7 and 7.30 pm gives your brain an idea what to stick at. Resolution: I will be nice to other people technically means nothing. Specify the situations and steps.

Resolution: I will control my blood sugar more frequently to avoid upsetting my family with my bad moods is a good resolution. I will most likely do just that.

My other New Year’s resolution due to the above explained also is: I will speak less and only when the situation requires, and think, make decisions and do more.

Specifying steps, pathways and issues in numbers helps, as well. The signal has to be direct and call to action. That leads to big goals much faster and with less frustration and disappointment for failures.