Becoming an observer

It sometimes feels as if everything is simply flowing by.

There are lots of small distractive things to deal with, and they pretty much keep me away from doing something more meaningful.

Then, there is a feeling of pointlessness.

At a young age we are under impression that we have enough time to do whatever we will choose, to achieve whatever we have decided to and to engage in all kinds of undertakings that eventually lead us to the goal: a good, honest, happy and abundant life. This includes different things for different people. Some want children and some do not, some love studying and some would rather not, some of us see the importance of roots and family and some believe that family is holding them back.

When I was twenty, it felt like 60 years is eternity away: it seemed I have plenty of time to enjoy, to explore, to pursue real life goals and to correct mistakes which everybody makes.

My life involves much unexpected turns, very bad accident that changed everything 25 years ago and after that all a completely unexpected relocation across the ocean. I might not been ready for that. However, I am somebody who goes for an adventure or opportunity if there is one.

Years between 2004 and 2010 were wonderful, so full with life, so full with discoveries. I had huge expectations.

When I got health issues in 2013, lots of things slowed down and became hard to continue. I realized suddenly that nobody can ever regain the energy and the willingness to jump onto new beginnings we do so naturally at 20 when we pass the 50 line. That was the time when I had to push myself extremely hard to accomplish just simple everyday routine tasks, yet, I managed that.

I have become more an observer than an active participant.

I have always been a creator of situations, much engaged in the social scene. I was a high school teacher and college lecturer meeting literally hundreds of people every day. I loved my role as a smart, intelligent and well-educated person.

The one thing that matters to me is learning, studying and keeping the brain extremely busy and active.

I have always admired the brain power, the ability to think and find solutions, to make decisions and to act upon them. I do that still, I learn every single day. The medical writing job requires that. I am certainly thankful for the huge knowledge in any health-related matters due to this.

However, I miss the social engagement. I feel lost. Once you see that nobody actually needs you, you start to experience feelings of being abandoned. It seems that the big goals are also getting crashed. I have become a stranger in my native country and I am still a total stranger in the country to which I immigrated to.

This might be an issue of acceptance. I am quite frequently unable to accept some things here. I will never understand how mediocrity gets to the top because of their wealth. I will never understand how it is possible to idolize and adore some fancy person to the extent that people want to dress like that person and look and speak like that person.

I will never understand over-consumption which is the cause of most of our issues. I will never understand how people are lied to and cheated because of somebody making bigger profits. They get even praise for poisoning other people. That is awkward.

I am for fairness, truth and open-mindedness. Truth is not loved. Truth is frequently escaped using different means, would these be drugs, alcohol or convincing oneself that everything is great while it is far from that in reality.

I used to be a fashionista. I learned sewing very early: at 12. Ever since, I have designed and sewn plenty of designer-quality outfits not only for me, but for hundreds of other people, as well. I stopped doing that also because of pointlessness. How much does one really need? When I paint, I cannot wear anything good because it will have paint spots all over anyway. Fast fashion made it impossible to buy any good quality shoes or jeans or similar things. I just simply refuse to buy more low quality, made in China outfits. They are made of bad materials, they do not last and they do not fit either.

One more aspect became meaningless. So, most of them have.

It is more difficult to stick to the true you when there is no actual demand for being the top you. I am currently an observer. I will wait for a while yet until the troubles settle down to figure out the next steps. Where do I go from there? I don’t know yet. It is a process of re-inventing me. Will that be a better me? I do not know that either.

I do realize that these feelings might be caused by late and delayed spring. It has been a very long winter, and that can affect anybody with the seasonal affective disorder. I remember me hating winter ever since I was a tiny kid. That never went away. I cannot live normally in winter. I have lost many years of life due to winter. I believe these of you who also experience strong seasonal affective disorder know this very well: one only regains energy and willingness to be active once the weather turns warm and sunny again.

19 thoughts on “Becoming an observer

  1. theburningheart

    It’s interesting how things change, and we change as time goes by, in the process of self discovery we call life.
    I kind of smile at reading your post, and your words echoing my experiences, and how things go in a different way, we envisioned them years ago. At the same time realizing that new challenges rise, and the intense labor they now signify to our lives, when we thought things would get easy.
    I guess the old adage its true:

    ‘You’ll have time to rest when you’re dead.’

    But no such a thing, meanwhile we are alive. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dad used to say that: you rest when you are in a grave. Yes, I am also a workaholic. I have always been one. I just have started to doubt the usefulness of working a lot, hence, the reality shows that it does not contribute to a better life. I have also changed my attitude towards: don’t give up. I am convinced now that I have to give up anything that proved to be a wrong assumption. One can beat the wall with their forehead only for so long/. After all, the wall is most often stronger than the forehead. When I was younger, anything worked out easily, as if on its own. It doesn’t happen any longer. So, I’m switching from don’t give up to give up everything that is pointless. When you do your best and there is no positive response for a reasonably long period of time, one should be smart enough and give it up. I was never crazy about social media, I am doing it just because of a duty to who knows what. Better visibility? Easier to see and find me? I totally disagree that social media is a good thing for everybody. I use Messenger on FB. It is better than Skype in many ways, I won’t deny that. And that is all. I have no time to read or check all kinds of brief notes and messages. When people say they do not have time, they could quite frequently find it if decreasing amount of time spent on social media. When I see on TV news things that have gone viral (I do not see or search for them on my own), I must admit these are most often really dumb things. Low IQ matching things or even dangerous or harming things. That tells it all.
      So, I’m giving up most art classes with keeping just a few because they derailed me big time. I just did not have the courage to cut them out because they keep me small bit socially engaged. I got very tired of absolutely unreasonable expectations of students: nobody can ever learn drawing or painting in 2 or 4 hours. I had lots of absolute beginners who had not the smallest idea of drawing, sketching or painting. While I want to support learning in any way, I cannot make somebody with no talent gifted in such a small time.
      I’m giving up attempts to have a perfect everything. I want garden because that helps me and I want a clean house because that is a must, but lots of things have to go.
      Spring cleaning, so to speak, mentally, physically, socially and in any other way.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. We are living in some crazy times, aren’t we Inese? You sound like an empath, we see so much ‘unfairness’ in the world and it weighs heavily on us. When I look around us, there are a great many people devoid of common human decency, followed closely by a lack of education, or wisdom. They believe lies from a con man and cheer him on. It’s crazy. It makes living in this world that much harder to deal with sometimes. And having SAD during this long winter is not helpful. I found that using full spectrum light bulbs in all our lamps would help me get through the dreary winter months, have you tried that? It might help some. Otherwise, as soon as it’s nice enough to be in the garden, that will be helpful too. Mother earth has such “good energy” and it seems to help. It’s important to have a “tribe” of friends, or community right now, perhaps take an interest (gardening? educators?) and join a “meetup” We are bird watchers and found a group of like minded people through that site. Either way, there are still a lot of GOOD people, with REAL values, we’re just harder to find since we don’t yell as loud as the loudmouths do:-) I’m wishing you will find something that makes your heart sing. Hang on Inese, winter is almost over and beautiful flowers are springing up everywhere to greet the season!!!❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I see you completely understand. I actually believe I have had SAD always. I remember how the snow outdoors was feeling like a terrible thing to me.
      This place where I am doesn’t allow much of improvement. I totally agree that that is exactly lack of light that really makes me feel much worse.
      Cannot wait getting out in the garden. Unfortunately, it was snowing today. Not very heavily, it’s disappearing now, but the soil is still partially frozen.
      Mother Earth always helps me, too. This winter has been now lasting practically half a year, and that is plenty of time to start feeling off.
      I looked at meetups, but I’m sorry to say that I’m not really in the things that were listed in our neighborhood. Everything was also with food, I cannot really eat out-of house because of the special requirements. I wish we had something nature related.
      See, the problem is also walking. I’m having the second surgery on May 23. It was scheduled for May 16, now it is May 23.
      Thanks for your very warm words! I do sort of miss Europe, Latvia. Somewhat with every year more and more. As soon as I am back on track I will try to fly over. I will go to pick mushrooms and to outdoor concerts and simply see people.
      It has been tough. It is probably because for a lot of times I could not go out anywhere. The pain and walking difficulties, even standing difficulties were big. Somebody invited me to take part in Mayor’s Gala event. It is for donating a painting. My husband said supporting the Philharmonic Orchestra was a very good cause. He knows this Orchestra. So, I will participate with some art in the gala dinner.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well keep meetup in mind, maybe you’ll think of something else you want to do (meditate, gentle yoga, maybe an art get together?) I’m shy and introverted yet these get-togethers are relatively painless for me. So, just keep it in the back of your mind, human connection is what we need – people who we CHOOSE to be with. I hope this next surgery will give you some relief! Being in pain can later your view of life, that’s for sure. Hard to be a warrior of peace and decency when you’re in pain… Absolutely love the idea of supporting the orchestra (the arts) in any way we can, the arts make life worth living!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks! Well, I cannot see getting out before the surgery, so many small things to deal with. I have to renew passport, lots of medical tests, and I will do digging in the garden as much as I can.
        Arts certainly make life worth living. I’m so proud being part of such life.
        Honestly, it is this: I like a lot very smart people, extra intelligent ones, and I absolutely do not want to be doing the small talk. In such situations, I find myself longing for a book to read or rather sewing or painting, whatever, just not shallow small talk. During soviet times and in post soviet era I developed something which is an absolute inability to even think about a meeting. Up to 1991 when Latvia went back to the independent status and became the Latvian Republic again, we had numerous meetings, at school, at work, after work, on days off and even on holidays. It was meeting upon meeting. Now, when I just hear meeting, I already don’t want to do it.
        Thanks so much, Deb! I will be fine. I will find my audience eventually. I love saying speeches and reading lectures to huge audiences, that is great for me. I love being on a stage, too. I loved the first years of Latvian Republic when a church in Germany sponsored my trips around Berlin and in some parts of former East Germany and West Berlin. As you may know, I also speak German at a native level, so I was telling people about Latvia, reading my own poems in German and leading large discussion panels. I loved that. I could pretty much repeat some stuff. Every time I go to Latvia, I get a chance to organize some large get-together and give workshops, etc.
        Nobody prohibits me to organize some here. I just find that in order to get people interested one needs to be a well-known person. I have tried hard, arranging afternoon tea parties, discussion groups, inviting to free painting sessions. To my big surprise, response was very small. Whatever parties (free) I tried to make, they were not well attended. I just gave up eventually because I had put in a lot of efforts and money which I frequently was short of. I have to admit that everything is different. See, as a true Eastern European person I’m not in these positivism outbreaks. I’m realist. Most people over there are. I’m 60 this summer, well, time to figure out what I do next. I should find some chance not to stay in winter here. Who knows? I should at least try.
        Thanks a lot and have a great weekend!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s unbelievable how weather can affect human emotions;it so often brightens or darkens our mood.I reckon,stubborn winter has a negative effect on your feelings right now.We usually don’t appreciate what we have until we don’t have it anymore.When the sizzling,summer days come,I wish I lived in a country that never sees the sun.Live the now and count your blessings 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s fine. It’s just so that winter affects not only mood, but also physical condition. Well, I see it every day. Once we return to pluses everything normalizes. It might be not even the fact of cold environment affecting me so badly, but the long time without daylight and fresh air.
      Technically, this has nothing to do with my overall social standing. I wish to regain a certain amount of visibility and normal interaction. Well, once somebody has difficulty walking, they really see who are the few friends who won’t stop dropping in.
      Spring is coming, and whether crying or laughing I will be digging the soil. It was very difficult last year with the antibiotic pump with 2 meter long wires hanging down from the shoulder. I will try to finish planting before the surgery this time.
      We all come from our personal experiences. The fact that somebody does not agree with majority does not mean they are wrong. I am for those who are different, and I am very different , maybe much more sensitive, but also very brave and strong. I’m not in any kind of self-pity. I am used to rely mostly on myself. This post simply stated the facts. Sometimes observing as everything flows by isn’t bad. It is a temporary state of turning into another state. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. theburningheart

    Well, congratulations, you seem to be reaching what the Taoist call the Wu-Wei, or a sort of effortless accomplishing things by abandoning willfulness, sort like running water that overcomes obstacles by flowing naturally, taking advantage of gravity, and the path of less resistance.

    Let Go

    Those who seek knowledge,
    Collect something every day.

    Those who seek the Way,

    Let go of something every day.

    They let go and let go,

    Until reaching no action.

    When nothing is done,

    Nothing is left undone.

    Never take over the world to tamper with it.

    Those who want to tamper with it

    Are not fit to take over the world.

    Tao Te Ching


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wonderful! Ancient wisdom always proves it still applies.
      The older I get, the more I realize how little we know while I was almost sure I knew much more when I was 20. I do not want to categorize myself or put in a certain frame because I am deeply convinced that there is an exception to every rule.
      Every human is so much more than just certain definitions of different states.
      As a researcher, I am always on the way to something. I never describe things I do as failures or successes since there are both elements in this process. I’ve been a teacher since 1985. That is a lot of years.
      I regret seeing that with so much useful information on hand, most people have no clue about anything whatsoever.
      Since early childhood I was somebody who disagrees. and looks for proofs and facts. I always was able to find some and prove my teachers wrong when they were not well prepared. I would intentionally never do anything when I was put pressure on. I wanted to always act on my personal belief and so I do.
      You have to know the background of somebody to understand them. We cannot ever understand absolutely everything because of our personal attitude.
      In my opinion, we never know a person completely. We think we know, we assume we understand what that person should or shouldn’t do, but that might be just because we have never been there where that other person is.
      I am just working on a research which involves positive illusion disorder. Just as there is a positive illusion, there is also a negative illusion that can distort our view. I think we have to try staying in the neutral zone, firmly on the ground: less disappointment, less situations becoming a victim, less useless analysis of why it went wrong when it was supposed to end perfectly.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. theburningheart

        I understand, sometimes we need to remember that our nature it’s solipsistic, even if we believe to be interacting according to our beliefs of the moment, our by past interactions, a sort of our particular logic, then things turn not to be so…
        Bottom line it’s better not to expect a particular result, and to be open to whatever it is, rather to what we hope for, or as some say: hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s exactly what I do. Extremely high expectations can result in a total disaster.
        I cure everything by doing something. I rest by switching activities.
        I do in life the same what in every piece of art: let’s see what happens.
        Thanks! You are smart!! With wisdom comes tolerance. I am surprised how many people claim their are such good and honest and great people and look what hate they spread around! Like CNN news. Terrible program. I do not watch it, but husband trades stocks, so, he needs to know what is happening, what rumors are around, and so it’s on sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. That is very true. However, I do know that I am losing a lot of time to seasons affective disorder. I actually refused to believe it. When you do not have SAD, it is hard to imagine to what extent it grabs one and decreases functionality. For the lats 5 years, that was worse because of underlying causes and side effects of medications. I sometimes think: it feels almost like clicking on a switch: everything changes to the better side with the warm weather and spring sunshine, immediately within hours. We had abnormally long winter this year, snow was on the ground still while I wrote this post. It has been a bit more than a week without snow.

      Liked by 1 person

Your comments and thoughts are very welcome

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.