The soothing Sunday thoughts: castles of sand

On September 11, 2016August 3, 2017 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn dreams, happiness, life, lifestyle, poetry, writing12 Comments

I know they won’t be able to withstand the big waves and the stormy winds. I keep building them regardless. Lots and lots of marvelously shaped wonders made out of zillion sand crystals. Castles of pure sand.

I know very clearly, and it is so obvious that such buildings are for a moment and they won’t last. They never do. Why to bother? Why to put in so much time in something evanescent that only passes away in the moment it is created and is unable to survive? Did I think this would be an exception? Did I believe that our dreams can magically turn sand into gold? Steel? Glass? Concrete? Wood? I must have been really silly believing in the magic of imagination. I must have lost the thin line between daydreaming and reality.

I build them all day. Long rows of beautiful and tall sand castles. I get up in the morning; pack up my pain and depression so they can enviously stare at my creations. When the weather is smooth like a silk scarf and the sun just sends down the first beams to explore the coastline, I am ready to get to my never-ending work: I am focused, determined and extremely self-conscious. I don’t need any plans, I don’t care about schedules. I always hope this day is going to be better than the previous one. In fact, it never is. My castles are fine. Materials and place are wrong. If it only was some other place. If I only had something stronger for my castles. So the night sets in, waves rise and they level down my creations. When I look at the same place next morning, all I can see is an empty sandy coast. No sign of anything from the day before.

Well, it has come to the point when I have to make a decision. I have two bad choices to consider. Doing nothing is not a good choice and doing something might worsen the current situation. It is as if I am standing at the crossroads and neither one of four roads promises to end in a good destination. Or do they? There might be something hidden behind the hills, there might be a good news waiting. Meanwhile, the days have been quiet and fairly empty. Foggy, meaningless and painful. The only thing to hold on has been castles built of sand. Fragile, unsafe and only for a short moment standing. They cannot become a shelter. They cannot save anybody from the storm. Why to bother? Why?

I would say there is always still hope even with a hopeless intention and an impossible purpose.

The soothing Sunday thoughts: This warm August night

On August 7, 2016October 8, 2020 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn dreams, happiness, love, poetry, sadness18 Comments

I would love to take this warm August night

that stretches like a soft fog over the garden

and preserve it as a green fragrant scarf

for the cold winter nights.

I would love to wrap around me this warm August night

when everything is so tranquil and we are all alive,

I would weave my thoughts like threads into this scarf

for all dark days with clouds, but no silver lining,

for times when I am lost and floating in an unfriendly universe,

for days that happen to show up from nowhere

when something persistently nags my subconscious mind.

Our life has so many broken dreams and forgotten promises.

I would love to take this warm August night

and fold it neatly as a green fragrant scarf

and put it away,

put it away so far that I hardly can find it,

so far away that when I find it

I can recall this warm August night

and believe the sadness disappears with the fading darkness of night

and this scarf feels again like a warm fog around my shoulders

to prevent from death and frost.

The soothing Sunday thoughts: I refuse to go with the flow

On July 3, 2016December 23, 2017 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn appreciation, confidence, happiness, peacefulness, poetry, values66 Comments

To sit in the backyard and watch everything growing,

To see how blooms come up and how tomatoes get red.

Do you have time for that?

I refuse to be caught up in the trap of the endless rushing.

I simply refuse to burn out myself chasing a mystery.

Must haves and must dos, must sees and must becomes:

It’s a lost competition for me.

I have to be part of the growing:

To watch children growing,

To see the garden growing,

To witness myself growing old and then older.

And growing becomes a part of me.

The greens of the backyard: are they ever soothing!

Plants have no growing concerns and no fear from their fate.

The greens: such a miraculous, endlessly calming quietness!

This must be the secret of growing:

At our own pace, at our own terms.

At the end, we all become ancient cities:

Lost somewhere deep under happily growing greens.

Somebody will be watching this growing.

Who knows whether they realize

How many hidden treasures are underneath?

Scars from the past and fears of the future

On June 27, 2016April 1, 2022 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn anxiety, depression, dreams, fear of future, happiness, health27 Comments

Some people are definitely more intact than others, and I am referring to people who have experienced severe mental or physical injuries and traumas. Some have inherited or developed stronger defense mechanisms; therefore, they can withstand bad relapsing conditions and depression triggering events easier. I think our mental strength gets also affected with any physical trauma. I am not one of those people who write blogs about their struggles and suffering. I know that sharing a bad condition brings sort of relief and can possibly show the way out to others. It’s just possibly, because there are no two 100% identical cases, there are just similarities, maybes and huge inter-and intra-individual variations. However, as bad as my conditions and pain might be, I do not want to allow these disorders and pain to identify me. I just refuse to be somebody who always suffers since that’s not what I am here for. I am here to protest, to oppose, to help, to teach and share some facts and my discoveries.

Nevertheless, it’s been 3 very tough years. Again. I already had once 3 very tough years after I left the hospital which had become my home for almost a year. It’s very interesting how before the accident I didn’t even know what a simple headache was. After the accident, I learned everything about hospitals, pre-and post-treatments, medicines, their side effects and I discovered billions of new small bits about the human body and the ways it functions or dysfunctions. So far, I have spent 30 years studying everything from depressive and cognitive disorders to anything related to type I diabetes, heart and vascular, kidney, liver, lung and digestive diseases, and I am paying special attention to the brain activity and anything which affects it. While I can fairly well assess my own disorders, I cannot cure them on my own. Apart from being hard to tolerate, pain is also exhausting and drains me out of energy. It is capable of doing this to the point when I am almost always asleep. Pain is a bad and obtrusive companion: I wake up with it, I go to sleep with it, I have my lunch with it and it seems to be always around.

Those of you, who live with chronic pain for lengthy periods of time, probably are aware that pain makes us more vulnerable, more sensitive, more open to depression and desperation. Whatever somebody would say, whenever the pain attacks, we have to experience it on our own. If you are extremely sensitive to any chemicals and medicines as I am, you are aware how they make one sick even at doses which would be considered tiny and mild. So, that’s the issue, I am trying to be stronger than pain without much of medications. I would take them only when it is absolutely, completely intolerable. Even in these cases, I’m using only 200 mg or 400 mg Ibuprofen or Advil. Nothing stronger, nothing which affects the brain function and interaction of brain chemicals. I take pills rarely, as rarely as only possible. Instead, I am crying, tossing around on a couch and feeling how my willpower leaves me. Why? I don’t want to damage more than inevitable my kidneys, my liver and get ulcers, bleeding or holes in the stomach which can happen with prolonged use of potent pain relief medications. Unfortunately, when we have to rely on OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) covered care and treatments, the waiting times are insane. It can take about 6 months to see the specialist. In my case, it took 3 years to try getting something done. I am going to have a surgery very soon. I am absolutely scared because the results are not very predictable. In fact, they are much unknown, but since there aren’t plenty of choices, surgery seems to be the best option.

I do anything which I can, which I can at the moment. I certainly hope to return to normal life. I would love to have normal nice summers and winters again; I would love to go out here and there, to have some vacation, to see and meet people outside this place, to do anything which most people can do without any problem. Well, I hope to be there someday soon.

I also disagree with those who are convinced: once you let the past go you are like brand new and ready for a fresh start. How about the past not letting you go? This accident happened 24 years ago and that’s when I got quite a few new acquaintances: lots of pain, depressive episodes because I wasn’t able to cope with life as before, so on and so on. Whenever we are just fixed up after bad mental or physical traumas which happened in the past, we will never be the same. We will have anxieties and fear of so many things which were unknown before the trauma. We will be patched up and sewn together, but never again without cracks and scars. These scars might be invisible to others, but they are always there. Fears and worries are sneaking up on us whether in a dream or in reality.

Before your hand starts writing you are sorry (in case you decided to read this update since I was so bad, I couldn’t post anything for quite a while and most likely I’ve lost all followers), I would love to say I don’t want somebody to be sorry. It’s ok not to be sorry. I am a fighter, I always have been. I would appreciate much more you went to the gallery and art blog and checked out my Fine Art America link on the right side and the art for sale on the art blog. Ironically, when we are in the least favorable state and condition to make some money, we need the financial support the most.

Zucchini

Cucumber blooms

The other thing which I am doing to get my mind off is my backyard and plants as you can see above. I have put something in the soil, just like always, and yams are absolutely experimental for me this year. Not much happening with painting, but the bits will be published on the gallery blog assuming I get to this before the surgery.

The soothing Sunday thoughts: what does he see?

On May 22, 2016September 13, 2023 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn dreams, happiness, memories, past, poetry, writing4 Comments

Look at the old man,

He is so peacefully sitting under the apple tree.

What does he see?

Rivers rushing away like years,

Somebody’s face who he kissed

Under the blossoming apple tree?

What does he see?

No more urges, no regrets and discoveries.

It is all gone, but he finally has no need

To rush, to chase, to speed.

What does he see?

Nobody runs away from the death,

Nobody gets away with his sins.

He has time now, and he just dreams it away

Under the blossoming apple tree.

What does he see?

It feels like he has the answer,

It feels he has got the entire eternity.

My Angel’s Day

On May 18, 2016July 10, 2022 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn Angels, happiness, lifestyle, love, positive thinking, traditions11 Comments

May 18, usually a fantastic and very pleasant day of spring is my Angel’s Day or my name’s day. This day for many Latvians is almost more important than their birthday. It also is one more day to celebrate something beautiful, and we are honoring the person and their name on this day. Russians refer to this day as Angel’s Day, and I have to admit it sounds so poetic, therefore, I love using this description a lot.

Latvians got their name attach to particular dates since late 18^th century. The church calendar probably gave the idea, and it became an extremely popular way to congratulate people who we love.

Statistics tell us that there are currently 12,713 Ineses residing in Latvia. Many Latvians have relocated to other countries, so there are definitely more ladies and girls whose name is Inese out there if we take into account the entire world’s population. It has been one of the most popular names for at least 5 decades in Latvia. I am proud I have this beautiful name and I am happy my parents chose this name for me since it suits me so well.

The small angel was given to me by my mom. She always gives me very thoughtful greeting cards and very interesting gifts. This small angel sits on the shelf very close to my desk to watch over me, to protect me and to always remind me about my mom.

I don’t know how lilac does this, but lilac is always blooming on my Angel’s Day wherever I am. My angel sits on my right shoulder and we are both extremely happy because it is spring, because there are flowers and because all summer is still ahead. That means, gorgeous time to look forward to.

Inese’s song

We have a song which was composed by a very famous Latvian composer Raimonds Pauls. It was written for a musical play, but it became so popular that it is always played on the radio and on the TV on May 18 when numerous Ineses will welcome their guests with rich dinner and wonderful party. The most usual gift for name’ s day is flowers. One doesn’t need anything special, not even invitation. So everybody can make happy everybody else. Happy Angel’s Day dear Ineses all around the world!

The soothing Sunday thoughts: rose whispers

On March 13, 2016October 23, 2018 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn depression, happiness, lifestyle, loneliness, mindfulness, pain14 Comments

The day was getting tired.

As I was about to walk towards my porch, I suddenly heard how the rose whispered: “You cannot go away and leave me alone. As the stream of time takes everything with it, it does not distinct between the trash and the treasure.

Everything flows away with it, so does the beauty, so does the ugliness of our despair.”

“I will return another day, just keep blossoming. My patience is short today and my pain takes me to a deep valley of suffering,” I said more to myself, but I had to experience this sad monologue:

“One day long, or one life long: the flow of time knows no difference. It is a glimpse; it is a short while for it whether you value that moment or not.

Stay with me, you cannot leave me alone.

The beauty has the shortest of lifespans. I have only this small moment from all the eternity. It will never come back.

Stay with me, you cannot go away and leave me alone.

The other day has other worries; there is never enough time for the beauty to blossom. There is always enough time to suffer, to cry and to despair.

So, won’t you leave me alone?” she asked fearfully.

“No, I won’t. I will make some time, I will stay with you.

Nothing ever returns, and it only leaves us. I have to make time for you. There is only this one moment from all the eternity. I will not go and leave you alone. I will make the time stop, although, it will last only a few hours.”

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience. Author: https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/mindfulness

I wish you love, appreciation and strength on March 8, the International Women’s Day

On March 7, 2016April 1, 2022 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn appreciation, gender equality, happiness, lifestyle, love, positive thinking8 Comments

This day is permanently associated with the most beautiful spring celebration in my memories. It always was and still is widely celebrated in Latvia, Europe. Unfortunately, we inherited this great day from the former Soviet Union; it was a part of socialist understanding of praising women’s role and importance in the society. Well, it was supposed to be like that, but March 8 got transformed into a really festive day when every single woman was feeling happy, admired, appreciated and loved.

It’s hard to say what I understood with March 8 as a kid, but I certainly was happy to receive beautiful spring flowers on this day every year in my life until I moved to Canada. What’s celebrated here? Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, and we have begun hearing about the International Women’s Day, as well, but as a part of movement for women’s equality and as a part of feminists’ attempts to get society to understand how strong and valuable women are. Valentine’s Day never took off in Latvia, not to the extent it is celebrated in Canada, and Mother’s Day is a very personal day, so, yes, I am still for March 8, the most beautiful and democratic celebration of every single woman, whether married or not, whether with kids or not, whether famous, or not. Every woman who feels like a woman and is happy about that.

This day, March 8 never carried this feminist meaning for me. I’ve always been very happy as a woman because I am a woman, and would say this is thanks to the type of family I could grow up. My dad was an extremely handsome man, and my mom still is an extremely feminine woman who always paid a lot of attention to housekeeping, the way she looks, the way she dresses, the way she interacts with other people, although, she had to work hard and long hours. I could see that a real woman does not have to be like a man to show her strength and ability to perform complex and sometimes difficult tasks. A woman does not have to demonstrate she can survive well without support of a man and a husband.

I believe the happiest women have always experienced lots of respect, lots of admiration, lots of understanding. I know that I have. Women can be strong, and there’s nothing actually they cannot manage. However, if you would like to be respected and celebrated as a woman, you have to allow the society and other people to respect and understand you. If you push away a man who’s holding the door open, if you kick out of your way somebody who’s trying to give you a hand, that does not mean they think you are weak and couldn’t do it on your own. That means they want to show you their appreciation for a woman.

When I was 12, I got a fashion magazine which was published by Aenne Burda edition in Germany. I spoke also German at that age, and I had learned sewing, so this was my most favorite magazine, it was just extremely difficult to get, just like everything else from abroad. There was a picture on the back cover of this Burda fashion magazine: family at breakfast. It looked like spring. There were 2 neatly dressed kids, the man was ok, but nothing special, and there was this woman. She was slim, seemed to be quite tall with long blonde hair and oval, very attractive face. She looked adorable! I absorbed this look, and I told to myself: when I get old and older I want to look just like her! Well, and I sort of always was since I had never any weight problems, my natural hair was always blonde, and later I kept it that color. However, the most important message was under the picture. It read: WE WOULD LOVE THAT EVERY WOMAN EXPERIENCES HOW BEAUTIFUL AND ADORABLE SHE IS. I certainly remembered these words, too.

I have had fantastic moments and extremely bad moments in my life since, but whenever I was walking down the street or whenever I was at some kind of event or party, and I got those looks which said: oh, you look so nice, I always cited these words in my head: WE WOULD LOVE THAT EVERY WOMAN EXPERIENCES HOW BEAUTIFUL AND ADORABLE SHE IS.

However, wearing a nice dress and high heels, as well as, being able to show off feminine body forms does not make woman a woman. There is so much more, a complete feminine universe, a brave way of thinking, a unique ability to handle and manage things and people. Every woman is different, and it is good that way, however, they all should feel appreciated and respected for what they do and what they are.

Thankfully, life gave me plenty of chances to experience how appreciated I am as a woman. I wish you the same and more and I am sending you hugs and flowers on March 8!

Detachment from reality: when lies become the “alter ego”

On February 11, 2016April 3, 2016 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn addictions, goals, happiness, lifestyle, obsession, self-admiration20 Comments

Detachment from reality: when lies become the “alter ego”

Internet sometimes gets me. I’m having nausea after looking at Facebook stuff for longer than 5 minutes.

The understanding of being honest is so much distorted that I’m quite happy I could grow up without any internet. Without a need to constantly compare myself to others. Without a need to watch and analyze the reactions of others or lack of them. It feels totally absurd to me when I am seeing how much time is spent on self-analysis and self-observations. Some people analyze every single step and every single thought they had during the day, but it does not stop there. They analyze the social media reaction to every line and picture they have posted, and it is not surprising they come to conclusion there is something wrong with them quite frequently. Everybody would be convinced about the same if they kept endlessly analyzing everything and drawing conclusions which actually do not have any reason.

Does this relate to the obsession with selfies? The obsession of creating oneself in a way one doesn’t exist and would like to be perceived? The Internet certainly allows for that: one can create their online image and live with it until there comes along somebody who discovers they are not what they are pretending to be. I believe selfies and self-love; self-admiration; self-magnification and self-analysis are symptoms of the self-glorification epidemic. These are sprouts of the same root. How is it even possible one has so much time to take endless selfies, edit them, publish them, then follow-up on every single comment? Or just post in bunches whenever there is a chance to take out the phone. Afterwards, they quite often feel totally dissatisfied, disappointed and unhappy since there are so many others doing exactly the same and steeling their deserved love and admiration.

This is so phenomenally silly that it is fairly hard to get why anybody would want this to happen. Why would we want somebody else to define who we are, how we are, and sometimes even deal with awful misconceptions? What is the point to rely on somebody else’s judgement who most often does not even know you?

Whenever I’m reading about somebody’s struggles, I have to admit our struggles and sufferings are really suited to the greatness or nothingness of our personal perception. It is obvious that difficult and intolerable has hundreds of interpretations. Once I heard some famous girl telling on TV that it was such a disaster for her to choose the correct nail polish. One rich and famous person told she was facing extreme difficulties and hardships choosing outfits, it took like hours to choose a dress. Wouldn’t that be excellent if the most difficult thing I have to deal with was choosing an outfit?

What really strikes is that most people assume life is supposed to be smooth as an ice-cream in a cone.

That is the wrong message from social media. Things don’t change just because we call them differently. Cabbage does not become a rose if we call it “rose”. Some pictures so obviously scream “Like me, like me, like me!” Do I? Not really, and I do not post any likes under pictures if I think the look is rather bad than good. I usually avoid commenting on family pictures or other personal photos.

I was also reading how somebody thought they were ready now to fall in love, so this should have been happening shortly afterwards. They were very disappointed when it didn’t. It seems nobody told them it is by far not enough to write on the wall: I am lovable; I deserve love; I am beautiful, so on. Love is the most complex chemistry and it has so many ways of expressing itself. It never comes when we are asking it to. It’s more unpredictable than winning a lottery. The winner is rare and the time when this happens is unknown. Just like all good things in life. It is too bad there is so much fake stuff out there.

Addiction to social media and devices causes extreme detachment from reality and distorted evaluation of actual matters. Overrated and overpraised nothingness means nothing, as well. I’d say be careful with compliments. Be realistic towards yourself. We are so different, because our DNA is unique, our life, love and happiness are unique. Do not allow anybody to tell you who you are, what you should like, love or go for.

Keeping memories alive and our brain fit

On January 20, 2016April 1, 2022 By Inese, visual artist, writer and life sciences bloggerIn brain health, depression, happiness, health, lifestyle, mental fitness10 Comments

We know what happens to body parts not in use, for instance, during longer periods of immobilization: they degenerate and we have to work very hard to re-establish their flexibility and activity, and that involves all tissues and cells. That takes work, exercise and treatment. While wrinkles on somebody’s face or body shape clearly indicate person’s age and are visible at a first glance, the memory glitches and mild brain dysfunction are not. That’s why most people are obsessed with looking younger at any means, with diets, must have outfits and tools. That is an inevitable part of the visible and directly noticeable personality. Nobody is afraid to spend money on gym, sports equipment, hairdo, makeup, plastic surgeon and costly skin treatments. There’s so much money spent on useless food supplements which quite often harm the user without giving any of the benefits commercials promise. How come the most important part, the commandment and interaction managing center, the brain is so frequently left out of the scene of self-improvement?

Keeping memories alive and watching the brain health is the most neglected aspect of our general health. Why?

Most likely, the main reason is nobody can see the aging of our brain or notice it right away. As it progresses, the person experiencing this badly affecting disorder is not even aware of it. This trouble becomes a serious issue when the memory loss is already large enough to affect the daily routine and any normal activities.

We simply should not allow that happen. Do we? Along with genetically inherited factors, mobile and digital devices do not demand us to use the memory and our brain. Everything is on the phone or laptop: directions, reminders, alarms, alerts and lists. We can send notes to ourselves and make endless to-do and other lists. How is that bad? It’s very simple: while we are watching screens or scrolling through them, our brain is half asleep. It’s crying for attention, but most people do not take this seriously until the brain turns itself off. The usage of our brain with well-known activities even with demanding, but familiar mental activities is very little. The brain requires daily exercise, daily workload and high level usage. That’s the only way to keep neurons alive and not to lose any connections which are called synapses. That’s the only way to develop new neurons at any age. The research in twins shows that genetic factors are by far not everything since one of twins develops dementia or Alzheimer’s while the other does not. That is a very strong indication in favor of epigenetic factors, like our daily activities, the work we do, the level of our involvement in challenging mental tasks.

Good food, absence of harmful chemicals, physical activity and proper care are essential elements of our well-being, but they make no sense when the brain stops functioning. They make zero sense without cognitive function and memory. The sad reality looks like this, however: once we are done with school and degrees, the active learning period ends, too. How many people who engage in intentional brain exercises on a daily basis when their job does not require that do you know? Let’s compare this number with people who care about their diet and physical activity. I can bet that there are very few who will say they know a lot of people who learn playing a new instrument, who do a research or learn a new language and who do visual arts for their brain exercises every day at an older age.

I would call the lack of brain exercising phenomenal in times when statistics reveal that the number of people suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s is expected to double in countries like Canada and the USA by 2038. Besides, there is nothing complicated about it: book your drawing and painting class, language learning course, music class or do your research with visual illustrations right away. Do not delay because any hesitation is causing trouble.

It’s proven by now through many controlled trials that the best brain life boosting activity is drawing and painting because:

it is something new every time;

it is challenging and requires obtaining new skills every single minute;

it is a skill one can build on while starting at an easy level;

it is rewarding and pleasurable activity;

it involves socializing when taking a class in a group;

it reduces stress, anxiety and nervousness;

it involves positive thinking and positive attitude towards reality.

These elements of brain exercising are essential. Besides, doing an art class is easy, affordable and some class always takes place close by. Just a small note: drawing and painting with alcohol does not improve brain function because we get opposite effects: alcohol kills brain cells while visual art extends the life of neurons and number of their connections.

Taking care of the brain is essential. We shouldn’t put it off.