Skip to content

Scars from the past and fears of the future

Some people are definitely more intact than others, and I am referring to people who have experienced severe mental or physical injuries and traumas. Some have inherited or developed stronger defense mechanisms; therefore, they can withstand bad relapsing conditions and depression triggering events easier. I think our mental strength gets also affected with any physical trauma. I am not one of those people who write blogs about their struggles and suffering. I know that sharing a bad condition brings sort of relief and can possibly show the way out to others. It’s just possibly, because there are no two 100% identical cases, there are just similarities, maybes and huge inter-and intra-individual variations. However, as bad as my conditions and pain might be, I do not want to allow these disorders and pain to identify me.  I just refuse to be somebody who always suffers since that’s not what I am here for. I am here to protest, to oppose, to help, to teach and share some facts and my discoveries.

art of surviving disaster 6

Nevertheless, it’s been 3 very tough years. Again. I already had once 3 very tough years after I left the hospital which had become my home for almost a year. It’s very interesting how before the accident I didn’t even know what a simple headache was. After the accident, I learned everything about hospitals, pre-and post-treatments, medicines, their side effects and I discovered billions of new small bits about the human body and the ways it functions or dysfunctions. So far, I have spent 30 years studying everything from depressive and cognitive disorders to anything related to type I diabetes, heart and vascular, kidney, liver, lung and digestive diseases, and I am paying special attention to the brain activity and anything which affects it. While I can fairly well assess my own disorders, I cannot cure them on my own. Apart from being hard to tolerate, pain is also exhausting and drains me out of energy. It is capable of doing this to the point when I am almost always asleep. Pain is a bad and obtrusive companion: I wake up with it, I go to sleep with it, I have my lunch with it and it seems to be always around.

Those of you, who live with chronic pain for lengthy periods of time, probably are aware that pain makes us more vulnerable, more sensitive, more open to depression and desperation. Whatever somebody would say, whenever the pain attacks, we have to experience it on our own. If you are extremely sensitive to any chemicals and medicines as I am, you are aware how they make one sick even at doses which would be considered tiny and mild. So, that’s the issue, I am trying to be stronger than pain without much of medications. I would take them only when it is absolutely, completely intolerable. Even in these cases, I’m using only 200 mg or 400 mg Ibuprofen or Advil. Nothing stronger, nothing which affects the brain function and interaction of brain chemicals. I take pills rarely, as rarely as only possible. Instead, I am crying, tossing around on a couch and feeling how my willpower leaves me. Why? I don’t want to damage more than inevitable my kidneys, my liver and get ulcers, bleeding or holes in the stomach which can happen with prolonged use of potent pain relief medications. Unfortunately, when we have to rely on OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) covered care and treatments, the waiting times are insane. It can take about 6 months to see the specialist. In my case, it took 3 years to try getting something done. I am going to have a surgery very soon. I am absolutely scared because the results are not very predictable. In fact, they are much unknown, but since there aren’t plenty of choices, surgery seems to be the best option.

I do anything which I can, which I can at the moment. I certainly hope to return to normal life. I would love to have normal nice summers and winters again; I would love to go out here and there, to have some vacation, to see and meet people outside this place, to do anything which most people can do without any problem. Well, I hope to be there someday soon.

I also disagree with those who are convinced: once you let the past go you are like brand new and ready for a fresh start. How about the past not letting you go? This accident happened 24 years ago and that’s when I got quite a few new acquaintances: lots of pain, depressive episodes because I wasn’t able to cope with life as before, so on and so on. Whenever we are just fixed up after bad mental or physical traumas which happened in the past, we will never be the same. We will have anxieties and fear of so many things which were unknown before the trauma. We will be patched up and sewn together, but never again without cracks and scars. These scars might be invisible to others, but they are always there. Fears and worries are sneaking up on us whether in a dream or in reality.

Before your hand starts writing you are sorry (in case you decided to read this update since I was so bad, I couldn’t post anything for quite a while and most likely I’ve lost all followers), I would love to say I don’t want somebody to be sorry. It’s ok not to be sorry. I am a fighter, I always have been. I would appreciate much more you went to the gallery and art blog and checked out my Fine Art America link on the right side and the art for sale on the art blog. Ironically, when we are in the least favorable state and condition to make some money, we need the financial support the most.

art of surviving disaster 3

Yams

art of surviving disaster 4

More of my yams experiment

art of surviving disaster 2

Zucchini

art of surviving disaster 5

Cucumber blooms

The other thing which I am doing to get my mind off is my backyard and plants as you can see above. I have put something in the soil, just like always, and yams are absolutely experimental for me this year. Not much happening with painting, but the bits will be published on the gallery blog assuming I get to this before the surgery.

Advertisements
27 Comments Post a comment
  1. Inese I am not going to say sorry. but I do so understand what chronic pain is about as you know with FMS.. thankfully Acupuncture and other means Qigong helped me loads, but not before I went down the route of pain killers resulting in an Ulcer.. So I so sympathise my friend.. You are a marvel at what you do daily and I know that is not just your paintings as we have spoke upon before your other work..
    Your Garden is coming along.. We have no flowers upon our cucumbers yet.. so you are in front of us..
    They all look very healthy..
    Sending you my well wishes Inese.. with Lots of Love
    Sue ❤ xxx

    Like

    June 27, 2016
    • Thanks Sue! There are lots of people who go through pain every single day. Pain has very many manifestations and expressions, it can take on different rhythms and paths. Each pain is different, hence, it cannot be treated the same way. My damages are of such a character that they cannot be fixed without intervention. I had too many fractures and too many extensive wounds, so some of these places decided to act on after a long time.
      Well, days have become very short for me because every step takes so much longer and so much more effort. I certainly hope after some month or two, I will be getting better. Since I cannot do what I would like to, I get frustrated and upset easily. I had about 3 or 4 weeks when I was just a shadow of previous me, but couldn’t get over that.
      Garden is soothing and if squirrels were not destroying it so badly every moment when I’m not present, there’d be lots of vegetables and flowers.
      I don’t know what to expect. I just hope this all gets fixed and straightened out. There are lots of issues, and this is not an easy fix. Well, I suppose we all know that nothing is as easy as it seems when reading fairy tales and medical textbooks. I am a very rare medical case since my survival also was some kind of a very rare case, so the usual surgical approaches won’t work.

      Liked by 1 person

      June 27, 2016
      • My healing thoughts are being sent Inese, I can only imagine how down somedays this must make you feel.. I hope the squirrels do not do too much damage.. Here they are about but not too much of a problem.. Sending Love and Healing energy your way xx and my best wishes you have more good days that bad ones my friend xx

        Like

        June 28, 2016
      • I appreciate that Sue and thanks for that!
        Talking about squirrels: I have never seen they can be so nasty. Every morning I discover something more they destroyed. Nothing works, they just ignore any of the aids I was suggested to use. There was a nice fairly big sweet pepper on one plant: they broke that, too. The most disgusting part is how they dig up flower plants in pots. I have never seen squirrels of this type. I pretty much cannot grow here anything. I was fencing in every plant, but they made holes in fences. Basically, it is: they win and I loose.
        Anyway, I will try to do something about art today. It is not extremely hot and humid, which means: less painful.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 28, 2016
      • So sorry those Squirrels are such pests.. My daughter has them regular in her garden and they are very tame, one eats nuts from her hand. These are Grey ones.. And her veggies and flowers are fine.. She leaves them apples and nuts out which the birds love too..
        Here’s hoping you have a good day with your art… Sending much love xx ❤

        Like

        June 28, 2016
      • That’s nice she can manage them. These are mostly the black and dark brown ones, live in trees. There is a nut tree next door, so they stash everything in the ground, and as a result, they dig up every single seed, turn upside down every plant. Feeding them didn’t work either. We didn’t get a single strawberry this year because I couldn’t fence in this bed properly, so they just consumed every single berry, green, white or red. We had squirrels in Scarborough, as well. These never touched anything in the garden. So, yes, it is a specific Whitby sort of them. I guess, it is because other people here do not have any vegetable gardens, they have only lawns.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 28, 2016
      • They sound an awful bunch!, I would be very grieved to lose my strawberries.. 😦 Have you tried live trapping them and taking them far away. ( after breeding season is over?)

        Like

        June 28, 2016
      • Sue, there are too many, I mean there are some 20-30. They go together with black birds, so they just sweep through once in the morning and once in the evening, all that crowd. If I happen not to be there, well, the damage is large. They also have their nests high up in the trees all around here. I would be also not able to live trap anything. I just told husband, I will have to forget about vegetable and flower gardens until we move somewhere else.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 28, 2016
      • It sounds an impossible battle when you say it like that.. You do well to grow anything. ❤ xx

        Like

        June 29, 2016
      • Well, it is. I just found out the other treatment along with surgery will be for 6 weeks every single day, oh well, I will have to reschedule everything.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 29, 2016
      • Oh dear Inese, sending you my love as you undergo your treatment.. Thats a long haul my friend ❤ xxx And I am sending you xxx

        Like

        June 29, 2016
      • Thanks Sue! It sure is, and that’s in case everything goes well and I won’t need the second surgery. Desperately looking for a driver since I have to be at that place by 6.30 am and stay there for almost 3 hours.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 29, 2016
  2. Pain is pain and it does change us. And it helps to talk about it. Some of us yes have dealt with chronic pain for a long time, but that doesn’t make any one else’s pain less problematic or real. I pray that you are relieved of any pain you may be experiencing and that the Lord restores your health and wholeness! 🙂 ❤

    Like

    June 27, 2016
    • Thanks Natalie! To some extent I could be restored, and I am thankful you are thinking and praying. I don’t like usually to talk about all this, but I thought, I would let know those bloggers who have been in contact with me over the last 3-4 years. I think being afraid of a surgery is something very natural. I am totally scared. Being medically educated makes things worse because my imagination shows all kinds of terrible visions. Thanks and have a peaceful night!

      Liked by 2 people

      June 27, 2016
      • Surgery us frightening for anyone! I glad you wrote this tonight so that we can lift you up in prayer and try to assuage your fears! Inese, I lay you at the foot of Christ’s cross and ask that all go well with the surgery and that you experience great healing in the aftermath. Jesus it is in your name that I ask these things! Amen. 🙏

        Like

        June 28, 2016
      • Well, I believe it should happen as we pray. Thanks!

        Liked by 1 person

        June 28, 2016
      • 😊❤️

        Like

        June 28, 2016
  3. I hear you.
    As you know, I can relate to the pain, depression and loss.
    It’s remarkable and uplifting to see how hard you try to keep pushing ahead, to create your art, your garden, and help others learn to paint. It would be remarkable anyway, but to do so in the midst of such struggles is even more so. Much respect.

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2016
    • Thanks Cynthia! Well, it seems I will at last have some help with managing pain and post-surgery effects. Trying to find a driver in Whitby who can take me to Scarborough at 6 am. Tough, I might find somebody, though. However, it is for 6 weeks, every day.

      Liked by 1 person

      June 29, 2016
      • It sounds tough, but are there community resources that may be of help? All those years of going to hospitals, I didn’t know I qualified for Wheel Trans. Anything similar in your area? Take ALL the help you can get, my dear.

        Like

        June 29, 2016
      • They told there was Wheel Trans. That requires a huge application, I have it, but I have no family doctor. I have to start before surgery, and I have to be at 6.30 on Tuesday and Wednesday already. After surgery 6 more weeks. Well, I will need somebody to pick me up straight from the door step, and that will be the problem. I am also trying to sell extremely cheaply whatever paintings because I can see now the post-surgery period treatment will be not that short. Please spread out the word if you can, I would think many people are able to get some art at $30-$50.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 29, 2016
  4. I am impressed by your yam crop. Hope it does well. Your garden looks as beautiful as your art. And I agree, there’s no need to be sorry. But there is a need to be alongside people as we each try to live the best life we possibly can.

    Like

    July 4, 2016
    • Thanks! It’s the first time ever I’m trying growing yam. It looks really beautiful at the moment.
      When somebody says they are sorry, I start to feel sorry, too, sort of a victim, and it’s not long I end up being totally depressed. The last half of year was bad, really bad. I was so much down in May that I literally couldn’t even lift my arms some days. Plus pain and walking troubles, and there I was crying for weeks. Yes, we need people to know there are some among them who really care. I just don’t take everybody being sorry very easily. I lived in Latvia for 46 years, and I definitely cannot change everything I am being in Canada for 12 years. I know that everybody is kind and nice and so, I just love the natural roughness and I like when people are direct and tell truth. I am grateful for other bloggers seeing this blog finally, too. I spend quite a lot of time on each post, and that feels upsetting when I see nobody reading them. So, thanks a lot!

      Liked by 1 person

      July 4, 2016
  5. Thank you for sharing Inese. Stay strong. Good luck with your garden. Keep making art.

    Like

    July 5, 2016
    • Thanks Carol! I’m definitely trying to stay strong. I intended to post something about art, still don’t seem to be getting to it. I’m walking around like a zombie after the first treatment. I believe, it’s going to be better once I get used to it. I am afraid of surgery and I am waiting impatiently for it to be over. I hope everything will be better some time later.

      Like

      July 5, 2016

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: