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Happiness is moody: life lessons

The New Year has walked across the globe by now.  Although, it is just a date, a reference mark along the way, we meet the January 1st as if it is a new beginning, a new way of life, a new hope and a new happiness which awaits just behind the next bend. Or does it?

I don’t think I can go through one more year like the last one. I will do my best not to, that is for sure. I look around, and I am much surprised how I actually have got done so many things. I sometimes cannot believe I did that because there were so many days in the last year I was unable to walk, to sleep, to feel somewhat ok. I certainly hope the 3 year-long terrible suffering is over and, hopefully, the issue is resolved. It should be. Will it?

Many years ago, a Latvian poet wrote some sad lines: “When the pain will stop, when it will completely end, everything else will end, as well.” That is exactly what it is since pain is a sign of us still being capable to take on new struggles and to prove we can resist it and get over it. It is difficult, indeed. I’m not talking about physical pain only which can be so strong that nothing more exists: it surrounds one as a thick cloud leaving no space to breathe. I’m talking about life that runs away like sand in an hourglass. Lost time, lost opportunities and lost days. So many.

My current condition was caused by negligence of quite a few physicians: GP who quit the job later, a few others who were supposed to come up with correct diagnosis, but didn’t, and, finally, the surgeon who took everything the light way: everything is fine. Right. Any of this could be avoided if the doctor ever paid attention to what patient says and knows. Yet, they don’t. I have heard so much nonsense during these years that I have all rights to say: the health care system in Canada is broken, and it is very hard to understand how some doctors without any competence in complex medical matters can be employed as such.

Well, I am hopeful because the hope is always there: the next day will be much better, the next month will be much easier, the next year will be much nicer to me. It should be. It better be. Or otherwise what? Nothing. It’s about time I return to things that make me happy.

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As a young kid I had to walk to school for quite a distance every morning. I hated mornings because I was usually reading all night, and it was extremely difficult to get up. We used to live on a high hill. As I walked, and sometimes the weather was just really nasty, I could see another hill, far away. That hill always seemed to be sunny when it was windy, cold and rainy or snowy where I was. I have no explanation for that, but the sun just loved the distant hill. I often thought: I’m going to get to this other hill. I’m going to live my life on that sunny hill. Years passed by, but the other hill remained in quite a distance. I moved to a place from another side of planet across the ocean. I left that hill there, in Latvia. I don’t even know if it is visible anymore because any landscape changes a lot over 50 years. I am still on the way to that hill. Am I any closer? Maybe. I just know I’m not on it, I haven’t reached the point where I want to be, to live, to stand, to exist yet. Will I ever? Does anybody ever have it all? The truth is: we get something and we pay a lot for it. We sometimes pay more than we ever imagined was possible.

The truth about anything that doesn’t kill us and makes us stronger is only in that regard that we know we are not giving up that easily now. Is it necessary to become stronger this way? Not at all. So much energy goes to waste which could be used for way more rewarding things, things that actually make one’s life relevant and significant.

It was sunny during the day. That might be a good sign. A sunny year? How wonderful that would be!

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Wishing everybody to avoid unnecessary struggles and to reach your sunny hill whatever way you take in 2017!

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15 Comments Post a comment
  1. Hoping this year will be a good one for you. We also have had a sad year, with so many of our loved ones passing on to a better life in heaven. Kinda glad we don’t live where you do, there is so much snow, it makes me cold, but it is beautiful.

    Like

    January 1, 2017
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Thanks! It’s a set of 3 bad years, and I definitely expect that to over. Yes, it’s a lot of snow, a lot of warm-ups and cool-downs, and winds and so on. I don’t like winter anywhere, I didn’t like it in Latvia or Germany, too. I find it tolerable until the New Year, and afterwards it’s just fighting the weather and sneezing, that type of thing. I certainly love warmer places and if that was possible, would want to live in a warmer place with more lovely days.

      Liked by 1 person

      January 1, 2017
  2. Hope you feel better now. Hope 2017 is a better year for all. Please take care.

    Like

    January 1, 2017
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      I hope so too, 2016 went by without any great memories for me. 2013 was the last good year, and I do expect 2017 to become the breaking point in this not that good row of years. Happy 2017, Helen!

      Like

      January 1, 2017
  3. I can relate to your pain, Inese, both physical and emotional. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, as they would have us believe. I wish you a sunny year. 🙂

    Like

    January 1, 2017
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Certainly so, but I mean, these struggles really wear me out, it’s the energy which could go towards something more meaningful.
      Thanks for good wishes! Happy 2017 to you also!

      Liked by 1 person

      January 1, 2017
      • Yes, I agree, I know what you mean.

        Like

        January 2, 2017
  4. I have a life philosophy that works for me. I had horrible years between 2000 and 2015. People dying, my son’s health not improving, no money because I couldn’t work since I was my husband’s only caregiver – I found that staying right there in the moment got me through it all. I’ve come out the other side. We’ll see how long I can stay here!

    Like

    January 2, 2017
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Good for you, Jennifer! Happy New Year, and hopefully you not only stay there, but also move forward! I’ve been reading your posts and everything is great!
      I am simply tired of antibiotics. I developed resistance 3 times, and there is this one antibiotic which consists of 2 different ones still working. I have to be very careful because running out of options is a terrible thing. Realistically, all my disasters came from these health issues. I suppose when one is feeling not good enough to do anything, that’s a very limiting factor. I still did something every day along the way, at least tried to until I had to rest. It’s also almost impossible to compete with people who are in good shape and don’t have to wear any infusion pumps and do major wound treatments on a daily basis.
      I still cannot participate anywhere, go away anywhere because it’s just too difficult to have all medical supplies with me. The trip to Europe was difficult, and after that the condition just reversed and worsened again. I’m seeing the doctor next week, I will see what there can be done.

      Like

      January 2, 2017
      • This is so sad to hear. I hope the doctors can find something that works. The words infusion pump are words I couldn’t cope with at all. Please know that I am praying for you – you kept me sane when my husband was so ill. You have no idea how cheering it was to find a Latvian artist and to share that with him. I still have your Poppies tote bag full of yarn! Sending love and good wishes – Jennifer

        Like

        January 2, 2017
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        Thanks Jennifer! These were very meaningful words to me: I am glad to hear that art really helped somebody. Well, the main issue is not to become resistant again. Certainly, using antibiotics for so long drains me. It exhausts all energy, therefore, quite often the only thing I can do is to draw or paint for a small while. I know how we do not appreciate enough the ability we can walk, but we definitely should. I can do cleaning for small period because I get tired after some half an hour. Cooking is tough, but we are not big eaters.
        That is the best compliment about art I have ever heard.
        I wish you rich, artistic, healthy and happy 2017!

        Like

        January 2, 2017
      • Do what you can for as long as you can and rest when you need to. I don’t clean hardly at all – any exertion of the bending down sort turns my back into pain – but I hate cleaning anyway so even if it didn’t hurt – I wouldn’t do it. I do things I need to for dinner by sitting down if it’s peeling potatoes or chopping vegetables. That way I’m not tired. It’s my age I think! I wish you so much health and happiness.

        Like

        January 2, 2017
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        Thanks Jennifer! I so much appreciate your kind comment! I do everything whenever there’s a better moment, and I don’t do nothing when it’s too painful. So, it just goes. There aren’t that many things which cannot wait for a while. Well, this last stretch has been difficult. I hope I should be fine by summer. I hate winter anyway, so it doesn’t matter that much. The biggest problem right now is to figure out how I get to the doctor. We don’t have any wound specialist nearby, it’s about 120 km away. Most likely 2 trains and 2 buses, not sure yet.

        Like

        January 2, 2017
  5. I am hoping that 2017 will be kind and thoughtful to you and your family, Inese. Best of luck on the medical front.

    Like

    January 9, 2017
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Thanks so much Lavinia! I certainly hope so, too. I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow. The toughest part is to travel, it’s very far away because it doesn’t seem we have any wound specialists in the are, so this will take the entire day. I will go by 2 trains and maybe taxi or buses, I will see. Lost day, but I need cultures taken in order to see if this antibiotic still works. Well, hopefully, the traveling goes smoothly.
      I have big plans and I would love to implement at least some of them.
      Happy New Year, Lavinia!

      Like

      January 9, 2017

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