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The killer success: sad story of an useless sacrifice

As my worst summer ever is turning towards the fall, I am getting more and more upset and disappointed with anything. I’d attribute some of my bad feelings to huge and non-stop doses of harsh medications, but that certainly does not change a thing. I feel like everything that was worthy and uplifting has turned its back to me.

Since I had plenty of time to waste while resting on a couch or rather trying to forget about pain and other unpleasant things, I could watch some TV. I usually don’t do that, but even computer has become not that easy to use, so, I had very little choice. The TV we have is Rogers TV, I mean Rogers is the provider. It is a kind of TV for people who most likely forget immediately what they were watching the day before. Everything is repeats and old movies. The few non-repeats are some reality shows and news. I cannot currently take any more news because it’s all Trump and Clinton. Again, again and again. This is even Canada, not the USA, but still every single word of their mouth is getting analyzed and discussed, and I have to admit I’m so sick of this that I’m changing the channel right away when I hear mentioning Trump or Clinton.

I cannot take any of the reality shows either because it feels like they are created for somebody dumb and underdeveloped. Just seeing the housewives for 2 minutes causes me to really wish I didn’t even look at them. What exactly is this about: some younger and older women with way too much make-up are boozing, partying and talking behind the back of the one that isn’t present? They sometimes fight and argue. What a great show! Really? It seems they have money and do not know what to do with it and therefore they need now popularity and TV presence. Just awful. There is lots of stuff about food, a lot. My medication causes nausea, so I have to skip those. Then there are talk shows which most often handle the same subject. I cannot take any celebrities and stars either because I think it’s so much overblown with these trending stars, and they would go on and on how beautiful they are when, in fact, quite a few are neither beautiful, nor elegant, nor good-looking. Take away all these treatments, make-ups, fancy outfits and crew of image makers and all you get is some completely average person. I also calculated that as per my recent income I would have to work for 250 years spending nothing in order to make what these stars make in just one year. It feels like there is something profoundly wrong.

So, I turned to reading online magazines in Latvian, hence there is a bit different stuff and not only celebrity scandals, politics and greed.

killer success

The article was about a woman who I remember quite well. She was just 1 year older than me and quite visible personality in Latvia between 1988 and 2002. She had just passed away a few days ago. There is nothing unusual about people getting really sick after spending the most part of their life in a show business. The unusual part was her character and her image of an iron lady. She was somebody always going against the stream, but the way she did it was not that nice, indeed. As the organizer of the first Latvian beauty pageant in 1988 and later the owner of the entire beauty contest business in Latvia, she had to turn to lots of people in order to have financial means to go ahead with these beauty contests. She handled that excellently being quite rude, always speaking her mind and never looking for an answer when attacked or provoked. Over the course of many years, this lady had spit in faces of many people, humiliated them, and eventually taken advantage of their not that splendid situations. We could call this even black mailing. Although, she became financially very successful thanks to donations of freshly baked Latvian millionaires, she went as far as to kick out her mother of the family house they had in Riga, the capital city of Latvia. She put her own mother who had and still has a very good health and could take decent care about herself into an old folk’s home. Her mother didn’t complain, but she certainly felt betrayed and not deserving such a treatment.

This lady never managed to have a long-lasting family, but she had 4 husbands, and the last one was 30 years younger than her and she married him at the age of 52 when the signs of the stormy youth years started to remind that one cannot booze for ever and it will result in some disorders and illnesses. She told she did not want any children because they would disturb her business. Parties before and after beauty contests and other events involved a lot of drinking.  That was some kind of never ending partying.

One early morning being half awake and completely drunk, this woman accidentally drove onto the side-walk where people were waiting for the bus. There were quite a few injured and one woman died on spot. The accident caused injuries to her, as well, but she managed to cure most of them for a while. The following trial found her as a very well-known woman with lots of useful connections not guilty in most counts. She only got 4 years in probation, and the society of Latvia couldn’t agree with such a court decision. However, time washes away everything, and the accident was forgotten by most, but never by the family of the deceased woman.

The objects of her stormy love affairs were quite often married men. When asked once why she was causing all these troubles to so many families, she clearly stated that the other women were no competition to her, and the only purpose of these affairs was to prove how much above the others she was and that she could always get whatever she wanted. The following years proved her wrong and, most likely, she had to learn the hard way that nobody of us is able to build our happiness by destroying other people’s lives.

Her health worsened to quite a great extent during the last five years, and she obviously could not continue to shine in public events being on crutches and later in a wheelchair, hence, the after effects of that bad accident which took one woman’s life and made a few others disabled did not pass her either.

The circle of well-situated and famous friends shrank rapidly. Nobody was interested in a completely disabled aging woman who never cared about anybody else, but only about her own success and prestige.  In fact, she was in a lot of pain, but suffered very lonely, even her mother was in the old folk’s home and could not visit her.

So, she had passed away on the floor of her almost empty bedroom. Alone, with nobody praying for her and nobody crying after her. Next to her, was found a packed bag because she had decided to also move to a shelter for disabled people. This decision came a bit late.

The only person who took some care about this once so famous lady was a middle-aged neighbor. This neighbor said she had changed extremely during the last half of year. The reason was the clinical death at the hospital she had gone through. It is possible she had faced some warning signs or something that was awaiting her after the death because she had asked to bring her mother to her and also to send letters asking for forgiveness many people who she once had betrayed or offended.  Mother came; she is 89 now, but still having a fairly good health. The only thing this woman told her mother was: I wish you could take me on your lap and forgive me all pain I have caused you. I wish I could start my life from new, but this is where it ends. The mother forgave her, and I suppose, she can finally rest in peace.

life in ruines

This made me think:  there is success and there is success at any price which demands one to lose all human feelings and to walk over corpses and destroyed lives. One should really carefully watch for signs when success turns against them and eventually becomes the killer. The killer of their human nature and later the killer of their health, wealth and anything which makes this life worth living. The question is: how far should one go in order to be successful and how much should one sacrifice in the name of success? Doesn’t the success at any price become a lost battle for anybody involved? The ugly side of success means sacrificing everything, even one’s life.

Photos: http://www.skatkartes.lv/elejas-muizas-drupas/

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43 Comments Post a comment
  1. Inese, like you, I don’t like most of what’s on television. What a sad and tragic story about the Latvian lady. I’m glad to hear she apologized to people. I know I sure appreciate receiving an apology, and when I’ve given one, the receiver is almost always quick to forgive me. I’d hate to die with a truckload of unsaid apologies. Grace is good. I hope your health continues to improve. Nausea is no fun. Hugs.
    Blessings ~ Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    August 3, 2016
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Thanks Wendy! TV is very poor, and I cannot get how much efforts they put in brainwashing people.
      I sort of knew her. It is sad that one has to reach their last hour in order to realize what is the main thing in this world.
      These treatments are soooo exhausting. So many yet. I just hope there will be some good outcome.

      Liked by 2 people

      August 3, 2016
      • Yes, I hope you have a full recovery, Inese. My grandma told me over and over again how important our health is; she said that material things meant very little compared to our health. I think of what she told me whenever anyone in our family is sick. She was right. xo

        Like

        August 3, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        She sure was. It’s just too bad not everything is under our control. I hope feeling less exhausted maybe in the next few weeks, right now I can hardly keep my eyes open. I’m like in some zombie state for the most part of time.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 3, 2016
      • I prayed for you today, Inese. xo

        Like

        August 4, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        Thanks Wendy! It was my birthday. I didn’t bother with any cakes and similar stuff, but I felt some energy returning to me. There is such an assumption that when the birth date comes, we are given by God a gift: a whole new year of life energy to pursue our goals. At the end of the previous year, the life energy runs out and one can feel empty and off. I didn’t know you were praying, so I related my feeling better to this gift which everybody receives as a new year in our life starts. Either way: I felt some strength returning, I hope it continues tomorrow. I have to be evry early at the treatment clinic. Going to sleep.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 4, 2016
      • I’m glad to hear you had some energy return. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Sleep well, friend.

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        August 5, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        I was happy, too. Just returned from treatment, will be very drowsy for a while.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 5, 2016
      • 🙂 Be kind and gentle to yourself, Inese.

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        August 5, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        I would think I am, and I am still sleeping off the most part of the day.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 5, 2016
      • 🙂

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        August 5, 2016
  2. I’m so sorry to hear that things are still not good with you. Some seasons in our lives are like that and they seem to go on forever leaving us exhausted emotionally and physically. They can even breed cynicism about love and life and all those things we hold dear. TV is not only a wasteland but it feeds all the negative things that plague us and so we sink deeper in the quagmire. The Lord promises us enough strength only for one day at a time and so these days I try to stay focused on the day at hand and block out all the things that sap my strength and hope. It may sound like I’m burying my head in the sand and maybe I am, but I learned long ago that one can give and give and give until he/she has nothing left to give not even to him or her self. So I try to gauge how much I spend so that there is something left of when it’s all said and done. So take care of yourself and feed that lovely creative side of you and let yourself heal and get well. The world will always be here and there is yet time for whatever success you want to achieve. Love and hugs, Natalie 🙂 ❤

    Like

    August 3, 2016
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Thanks Natalie! Such very warm and uplifting words! You know, it’s a natural thing to want to feel somewhat ok. Such surgical wounds heal slowly. It took me more than a year in 1992. It is smaller this time, although, to everybody it would seem huge. Well, there are things which depend on me, and lots of them do not. I am surprised how bad the health care can be. I don’t think it will go fast with seeing the surgeon once a month. There is one more specialist, too, but I just have started to doubt here everything. I hope I am in condition to fly maybe by some September 20 or so and then I could go to Latvia and let the surgeon who put this leg together 25 years ago have a look. Either way, I have to be very patient. I just wish this time passed like a bad dream. The only thing which I feel almost all the time is fatigue and exhaustion, you are so right about that. Some of this is caused by heavy loads of medication, some because of me feeling just not right. Nurse is coming every day, too, so, yes, too many procedures and too many medications.

      Liked by 3 people

      August 3, 2016
      • You’re so welcome Inese😘❣I’ll continue to pray that the healing goes fast and well and that you can rid of some or all of the meds soon! Love and hugs, N❤️❌⭕️

        Like

        August 4, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts, I really appreciate that. I hope I can discontinue at least one med after 8 days, even that would be good.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 4, 2016
      • You’re so welcome ❣ 😘 I pray you will be able to get off that med! In Jesus’ name! Amen!

        Like

        August 5, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        Hopefully next week the dose is done and there won’t be need for other one. I appreciate that Natalie!

        Liked by 1 person

        August 5, 2016
      • My pleasure❣😘

        Like

        August 6, 2016
  3. I do hope you will be able to go to Latvia. Sometimes, to be properly healed we need to go home for a while. Home doesn’t always have to be where we were born, although usually it does mean that.

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    August 4, 2016
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Exactly. I also have to take into account mother’s age.

      Liked by 1 person

      August 4, 2016
  4. Patience is indeed as hard to endure as the Hard Times that seem to never end. If you do go home on the 20th, there are 46 days left. Cross today off, and it will be just 45. Cross tomorrow off, and just 44. Etc. I kept track of days like this on a thermometer I drew in my journal once when I was in a lot of pain in my right arm and there seemed to be no end in sight. Drew the thermometer with my left hand. Each day survived seemed to tell me there was a future in sight. I made myself believe it.
    The art work you have chosen to accompany your words says so much … things crumbling around you, but with that ever-present window of earth’s enduring green waiting for you, beckoning you.
    Thinking of you and and sending my very best thoughts for today and for the remaining days of your ‘enduring patience’. I think you are brave for sharing what you are going through.

    Like

    August 4, 2016
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Thanks Diane! That is exactly it: we would like everything bad end as soon as possible, but in the real world that doesn’t always happen. I have left some 3 weeks of treatment, 8 days with bad meds and I am trying to get this somewhat healed by Sept 20. It will be not completely done, but I just hope for the most part. The nurse who comes every day or every second day told that we could expect the first visible improvement after some 2 weeks.
      I found this picture accidentally and thought the greens through the wall of house in ruins was very symbolic because it describes the past, the present and the future.
      I am trying to be brave and strong, but as we know such long recoveries involve depression and feeling of being lost in all these issues. When I’m ok, I want everything to be sorted out and perfectly organized, but currently my life is such a mess.

      Liked by 1 person

      August 4, 2016
  5. At least you haven’t lived your life in a way that you have any regrets, my friend. You have made luminous art, lived from joy and been a source of inspiration and connection to many. I am sad you are having to take harsh meds. I am sad your body is not cooperating. I had to have surgery two weeks ago, and my summer is not going as I had planned either. You have friends, even if not all of us are nearby or in person. XOXO

    Like

    August 8, 2016
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Well, you know then what I mean. Technically, the surgeon disregarded the underlying conditions and simply ignored the fact that prevention means a lot when having a complex surgery around the age of 58. It’s not the same what it was when I had first 9 surgeries and everything healed within a year without any complications. Well, we have our plans crashed, but there’s not that much we can do about it. I hope your recovery goes better than mine. In fact, I’m much better right now, especially when compared with July.

      Liked by 1 person

      August 8, 2016
      • I’m doing okay, but I feel gray, tired and ancient. I long to be energetic.

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        August 8, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        Exactly the same here, I was thinking how all this makes one grey and unwilling to do anything about it. I look terrible and feel totally out of energy, too.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 8, 2016
      • It comes back. The worse the surgery, the longer it takes. But it comes back. I have to have faith. 🙂

        Like

        August 8, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        i know, it’s just very tough when nothing much improves for a while. I am counting days: how many on treatment, how many on meds, that way. It feels intolerable sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 8, 2016
      • I prescribe you to dream. Dream, imagine and be elsewhere. Come up with a story in your head far more intriguing and exciting than anything you see on TV. Weave in the natural world, Latvia, Rilke, music and art. Dream up characters based on a favorite time of life then let your characters struggle with something. If you like it enough, write it down. That will take you a while. 🙂

        Like

        August 9, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        These are great ideas. I have lots and lots which I some time started to write in Latvian, just don’t seem to be getting to this. The small bit of energy between treatments goes in trying to finish some art. Right now, I am so sleepy again, probably until some 3 pm, my head just shuts off.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 9, 2016
      • It’s a long term thing for when you don’t have energy for art. You can choose to think of whatever you want, after all.

        Like

        August 9, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        This is very tough for workaholics like me. I am just very upset when I don’t get done anything. Being unable to accomplish nothing is just terrible.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 9, 2016
      • I can wholly relate. I had to have something to think about when I had no energy for doing and couldn’t sleep. This let me think entertaining thoughts while not needing to do anything. It was like visiting friends. My characters became my friends and didn’t need updates with progress reports.

        Like

        August 9, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        That’s nice. I fet frustrating thoughts about things which need to be done, like even around the house. I’ve got to go, I am expecting a call from a doctor, they will tell me what I have to do now.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 9, 2016
      • XOXO

        Like

        August 9, 2016
  6. Love this – it’s good to know that that there are many people who value kindness over ‘success’. Wishing you the best for your health.

    Like

    August 18, 2016
    • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

      Thanks so much We have to realize what real values are and not to sacrifice our life and moral for something which is only illusion.

      Liked by 1 person

      August 18, 2016
      • Illusion – ahhh – yes.

        Like

        August 18, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        I knew her, and the end was sad.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 18, 2016
      • Sorry. Thanks for sharing the lesson with us.

        Like

        August 21, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        Well, some people never know when to stop.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 21, 2016
      • Some people are examples of what we should do – others are examples of what we shouldn’t. I suppose I’ve been some of each in my life, but hope I’ve been more about good examples 🙂

        Like

        August 25, 2016
      • Inese Poga Art plus Life #

        It’s also about choices we make, and the ones which are only to prove our superiority above other people will most likely lead to some kind of disaster at the end of the day.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 25, 2016

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